Absolute quiet, everyone! she trilled in a Una Alconbury flower-arranging voice.

Monday. Oh my God. That only gives me five days to learn Current Affairs.

Oh, come on, Bridget, we all knew you had a man in there, she roared. Dont worry about it. It isnt love, its only Edinburgh. Ill make sure it gets back to Daniel and teaches him a lesson.Monday 28 August 9st 6. (full of beer and baked potatoes), alcohol units 6, cigarettes 20, calories 2846, Got back to message from Mum asking me what I thought about an electric mixer for Christmas, and to remember Christmas Day was a Monday this year so was I coming home on the Friday night or the Saturday?

busy but will you think who might have a number for Lisa? Let me give you my direct line, darling. And lets have no more of this silly whining.’

Well you were, in a way, said Tom. Bloody git, Daniel. If that man turns out to be singlehandedly responsible for all the fighting in Bosnia, I wouldnt be in the least surprised.’

Actually, Im just about to go to. . . I began confidently, . . . get the train.’

Sunday 27 August, Edinburgh No. of shows seen 0.

You havent been to see anything at all, have you? she hooted. Anyway, you owe me seventy-five pounds for the room.’

Certain everything will be all right then. Have embarked on intensive detoxification program involving no tea no coffee no alcohol no white flour no milk and what was it? Oh well. No fish, maybe. What you have to do is dry-skin brushing for five minutes every morning, then a fifteen-minute bath with anticellulite essential oils in it, during which one kneads ones cellulite as one would dough, followed by massaging more anticellulite oil into the cellulite.

Ah, thatll be Julio. Yup, yup. She was balancing a portable phone under her chin now and scribbling. Yup, yup. Put it on, darling, she hissed. Yup, yup. Yup. Yup.’

Oh God. Even my own mother wishes Id never been born.

5 a.m. There is a man in the house. I can just tell.

Tuesday 22 August 9st 2, alcohol units 4, cigarettes 25, lottery tickets 5. Still havent heard anything from the interview. Dont know what to do for Bank Holiday as cannot face remaining alone in London. Shazzer is going to the Edinburgh Festival, as is Tom, I think, also lots of people from the office. Would like to go but not sure can afford it and fear presence of Daniel. Also everyone will be more successful and having a better time than me.

When I came out he had vanished. I couldnt see Gav, Tom or anyone I knew. Eventually I found the real toilets, sat down and burst into tears, thinking I wasnt fit to be in society anymore, and just needed to get away till I stopped feeling like this. Tom was waiting outside..

Instead of being ushered into the office to meet the great Richard Finch, I was left pouring sweat in reception for forty minutes thinking Oh my God whos the Health Secretary? before being picked up by the singsong personal assistant — Patchouli — who sported Lycra cycle shorts and a nose stud and blanched at my Jigsaw suit, as if, in a hideously misjudged attempt to be formal, I had turned up in a floor-length shot-silk Laura Ashley ball gown.

What does it look like? I snapped. Excuse me, Im in a hurry. I burst into the cubicle and was just about to get on with it when I realized the toilet was actually a molding of the inside of a toilet, vacuum-packed in plastic. Then Daniel put his head round the door.

There was a queue outside a Portaloo, and I joined it, shaking. Suddenly, just when it was almost my turn, I felt a hand on my arm. It was Daniel.

9st 2 (but in good cause), thigh circumference 16 inches (either miracle or hangover error), alcohol units 0 (but body still drinking units from last night), cigarettes 0 (ugh).

Considerably less annoyingly, there was a letter from Richard Finch, the editor of Good Afternoon! offering me a job, I think. This is all it said: OK, my darling. Youre on.

Bridge, dont wee on the Installation, will you? he said, and closed the door again.

7 p.m. I am going to Edinburgh. Today Perpetua said, Bridget, this is absurdly short notice, but its just occurred to me. Ive taken a flat up in Edinburgh — Id adore it if you wanted to stay. So generous and hospitable of her.

Sunday 13 August V. bad night. On top of everything else, tried to read myself to sleep with new issue of Tatler, only to find Mark Bloody Darcys face smoldering out from feature on Londons fifty most eligible bachelors going on about how rich and marvelous he was. Ugh. Made me even more depressed in way cannot quite fathom. Anyway. Am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and spend morning learning newspapers by heart.

Noon. Rebecca just rang, asking if I was all right. Thinking she meant all right about Daniel, I said, Chuh, well its very depressing.’

I know. I told her that, then she said I had a problem with boundaries and charged me fifty-five quid.’

Why didnt he turn up? I hope the sadistic worm had a decent excuse, said Sharon.

3 a.m. Just heard Perpetua come in, giving her verdict on the alternative comedians: Puerile . . .

10:30 a.m. Office. Just called Richard Finchs assistant Patchouli and it is a job offer but must start in a week. I dont know anything about television but sod it, Im stuck in a dead end here, and it is just too humiliating working with Daniel now. I had better go and tell him.

Exactly my point, spat Jude, trying to light up another Silk Cut but having trouble with99lib•net the lighter.

What did she think she looked like, a hamster or something? Anyway, must run, Im frighteningly

Well? he said. Well? Come on, say something! Well, maybe, I said, because it was the only thing I could think of, it was because somebody swallowed the evidence.’

Suddenly start thinking of former boyfriend Peter with whom had functional relationship for seven years until finished with him for heartfelt, agonizing reasons can no longer remember. Every so often — usually when he has no one to go on holiday with — he tries to get back together and says he wants us to get married. Before know where am, am carried away with idea of Peter being answer. Why be unhappy and lonely when Peter wants to be with me? Quickly find telephone, ring Peter and leave message on his answerphone-merely asking him to give me call rather than whole plan of spending rest of life together, etc. 1:15 p.m. Peter has not rung back. Am repulsive to all men now, even Peter. 4:45 p.m. No-smoking policy in tatters. Peter finally rang. Hi, Bee. (We always used to call each other Bee and Waspy.) I was going to ring you anyway. Ive got some good news. Im getting married. Ugh. V. bad feeling in pancreas area. Exes should never, never go out with or marry other people but should remain celibate to the end of their days in order to provide you with a mental fallback position.

Suki? Pukey, more like, I said, thinking he was about to say, are brother and sister, cousins,’

Tuesday 1 August 8st 12, alcohol units 3, cigarettes 40 (but have stopped inhaling in order to smoke more), calories 450 (off food),1471 calls 14, Instants 7. 5 a.m. Im falling apart. My boyfriend is sleeping with a bronzed giantess. My mother is sleeping with a Portuguese. Jeremy is sleeping with a horrible trollop, Prince Charles is sleeping with Camilla Parker-Bowles. Do not know what to believe in or hold on to anymore. Feel like ringing Daniel in hope he could deny everything, come up with plausible explanation for the clothes-free rooftop valkyrie — younger sister, friendly neighbor recovering from flood or similar — which would make everything all right. But Tom has taped a piece of paper to the telephone saying, Do not ring Daniel or you will regret it.’

Now I have missed the news and she has gone off to a Cheese and Wine party, leaving me looking like a door-to-door cosmetics saleswoman in a bright blue suit with slithery green blouse underneath and blue eyeshadow right up to my eyebrows.

Suddenly, he was looking straight at me. Do you know? The entire table of grunge youths stared. You. You must be Bridget! he shouted impatiently. How does a man with a beautiful girlfriend manage to sleep with a prostitute, get found out and get away with it?’

The book also says that coping with difficult times is like being in a conical shell-shaped spiral and there is a point at each turn that is very painful and difficult. That is your particular problem or sore spot. When you are at the narrow, pointy end of the spiral you come back to that situation very often as the rotations are quite small. As you go round, you will go through the troubled time

Daddy? Im not under pressure from Daddy. Dont be silly, darling.’

Are you all right, Mum? I said, thinking about Dad arriving at Unas party with asbestos-widow Penny Husbands-Bosworth.

Actually, there is something, she said, brightening. Do any of your friends have a number for Lisa Leeson? You know, Nick Leesons wife? Ive been desperate to get her for days. Shed be perfect for Suddenly Single.‘

I said Id meet them at the Plaisance at six because I wanted to go to the George Hotel and leave a message for Tom, and I bumped into Tina in the bar. I didnt realize how far it was to the Plaisance, and when I got there it had started and there were no seats left. Secretly relieved, I walked or rather mountaineered back to the flat, picked up a lovely baked potato with a chicken curry and watched Casualty. I was supposed to meet Perpetua at the Assembly Rooms at nine. By the time I was ready it was 8:45 but I didnt realize you couldnt ring out on the phone so I couldnt book a taxi and by the time I got there it was too late. I went back to the George bar to look for Tina and find out where Shazzer was. Id just got myself a Bloody Mary and was trying to pretend I didnt mind not having any friends when I noticed a flurry of lights and cameras in one corner and nearly screamed. It was my mother, done up like Marianne Faithfull and about to interview Alan Yentob.

Take a seat, my darling, and then he winked.

Wednesday 16 August Horrible night. Kept waking up bathed in sweat, panicking about the difference between the Ulster Unionists and SDLP and which of them Ian Paisley was involved in.

The therapist woman obviously just thought he was an imaginary boyfriend and I was a very, very sad person.’

Friday 4 August Thigh circumference 18 inches, negative thoughts 600 per minute, panic attacks 4, crying attacks 12 (but both times only in toilets and remembered to take mascara), Instants 7.

Have you got a commitment problem? I said, intrigued, immediately thinking maybe I had a commitment problem.

But you dont have any problems that are unrelated to Richard, said Sharon.

9 a.m. Oh God, Im so depressed. Everybodys gone to Edinburgh except me.

Dont be silly, darling, was her parting shot. If you dont do something about your appearance youll never get 九九藏书a new job, never mind another boyfriend!’

So what did you do? I said sympathetically, banishing a rogue disloyal thought from Satan that said, She was right.’

Thursday 3 August 8st 11, thigh circumference 18 inches (honestly, what is bloody point), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 25 (excellent, considering), negative thoughts: approx. 445 per hour, positive thoughts 0.

thinking how come he gets away with it. Thats it! How does a man with a girlfriend with looks like Elizabeth Hurley have a blow job from a prostitute on a public highway and get away with it?

9 a.m. Blimey. Mum just rang. Darling, she said. Guess what? Good Afternoon! are looking for researchers. Current affairs, terribly good. Ive spoken to Richard Finch, the editor, and told him all about you. I said you had a degree in politics, darling. Dont worry, hell be far too busy to check. He wants you to come in on Monday for a chat.’

Suddenly think I might love Perpetua, though not in a lesbian way.

(Cigarettes. That was the other thing. No cigarettes. Oh well. Too late now. Ill do that tomorrow.)

Bee? said Waspy. Bzzzzzzz?’

Ugh. Have just smoked entire packet of Silk Cut as act of self-annihilating existential despair.

Tuesday 29 August 9st2,, alcohol units 0 (v.g.), cigarettes 3 (g.), calories 1456 (pre-new-job healthy eating).

suicidal thoughts?’

Thursday 24 August Im staying in London. I always think Im going to enjoy going to Edinburgh then end up only being able to get into the mime acts. Also you dress for summer, then its freezing cold and you have to teeter shivering for miles up cobblestone precipices thinking everyone else is at a big party.

The tellys been quite good tonight, actually.

Bridget Jones, said Richard Finch eventually, wiping his eyes. Welcome to Good Afternoon!

10 p.m. Just called Perpetua and told her Im not coming. Its all stupid. I cant afford it.

He said he got tied up at work, said Jude. I said to him, Listen, you dont have a monopoly on commitment problems. Actually, I have a commitment problem. If you ever deal with your own commitment problem you might be brought up short by my commitment problem, by which time itll be too late.‘

Wednesday 23 August Definitely going to Edinburgh. Daniel is working in London so no danger of bumping into him on the Royal Mile. It will be good for me to get away instead of obsessing and waiting for Good Afternoon! letter.

Yes! she yelled. It would have been fifty pounds, but its 50 percent extra if there are two people in the room. But . . . but, there werent . . . ‘

What happened to hell hath no fury? I couldnt believe this. What about the Shadow Cabinet? What about the Peace Process? He was obviously trying to work out how he could get away with sleeping with a prostitute himself.

10 a.m. Mum was brilliant. Darling, she said. Of course you havent woken me. Im just leaving for the studio. I cant believe youve got in a state like this over a stupid man. Theyre all completely self-centered, sexually incontinent and no use to man nor beast. Yes, that does include you, Julio. Now come along, darling. Brace up. Back to sleep. Go into work looking drop-dead gorgeous. Leave no one-especially Daniel-in any doubt that youve thrown him over and suddenly discovered how marvelous life is without that pompous, dissolute old fart bossing you around and youll be fine.’

less and less frequently but still you must come back to it, so you shouldnt feel when it happens that you are back to square one.

Bridget, he muttered nervously as we walked into the white hole and sea of grunge youths.

8 a.m. Ugh. In physically disastrous state but emotionally v. much cheered up by night out. Jude arrived in vixen-from-hell fury because Vile Richard had stood her up for the Relationship Counseling.

2 a.m. Cant get to sleep. I bet theyre all at a really nice party.

Of course Ive got a commitment problem, snarled Jude. Its just that nobody ever sees it because its so submerged by Richards commitment problem. Actually, my commitment problem goes much deeper than his.’

The whole bloody worlds got a commitment problem, growled Sharon in a guttural, almost Clint Eastwood voice. Its the three-minute culture. Its a global attention-span deficit. Its typical of men to annex a global trend and turn it into a male device to reject women to make themselves feel clever and us feel stupid. Its nothing but fiickwittage.’

6 a.m. Hes in Debby from Marketings room. Blimey.

You know its unhip to laugh at Installation, dont you?’

He led us excitedly across the big white space to a toilet paper roll: inside out with the cardboard outside the paper.

By lunchtime could no longer go on with Sunday, trying to pretend everything was OK. Rang up Jude and told her about Waspy, Rebecca, job interview, Mum, Daniel and general misery and arranged to meet at Jimmy Beez at two for a Bloody Mary.

working, that he realized he had made a terrible, terrible mistake, had only now understood how much he truly loved me, and that the rooftop giantess was history.

Midnight. Edinburgh. Oh God. I must go to see something tomorrow. Perpetua thinks Im mad.

Oh, but Mum, I have to work with Daniel, I — ‘

Wednesday 2 August 8st 12., thigh circumference 18 inches, alcohol units 3 (but v. pure sort of wine), cigarettes 7 (but did not inhale), calories 1500 (excellent), teas 0, coffees 3 (but made with real coffee beans therefore less cellulite-inducing), total caffeine units 4.

Tues九_九_藏_书_网day 8 August 9st, alcohol units 7 (har har), cigarettes 29 (tee hee), calories 5 million, negative thoughts 0, thoughts, general 0.

horrible to them. Used to think he was cynical and wrong but I think I was nice to Daniel and look what happened.

Oh, I know, hilarious. Made a complete silly fool of himself trying to attract my attention.

Oh God, birds have started singing. Have to go to work in three and a half hours. Cant do it.

9:15 a.m. I wonder if Perpetuas left yet?

Friday 25 August

Ah, Bridget, she bellowed. What have you been to see? There was a big silence.

Daniel, she exploded. You selfish, self-indulgent, manipulative, emotional blackmailer. It was you — for Gods sake — who chucked her. So you can just bloody well put up with it.’

bitter enemies, or history. Instead he looked rather cross.

Im thinking Elizabeth Hurley. Im thinking how come two months on theyre still together. Im

Is there anything I can do?’

Aaaaand action!!!! Tell me, Alan, she said, looking traumatized, have you ever had . . .

OK, OK, I said sulkily. I wont make any dead fish jokes.’

Come on! Come on! he was saying, holding up his fists like a boxer. Im thinking Hugh Grant.

Bastards! I shouted happily. Shall we have another bottle of wine?’

Daniel kept sending me computer messages at work. We should talk, etc., which I studiously ignored. But the more he sent the more I got carried away, imagining that the self-reinvention was

Well, exactly, said Sharon. But you dont go round wearing your commitment problem on your sleeve like every bloody man over the age of twenty does these days.’

Like a fool I went for a drink with him to the American Bar at the Savoy, let him soften me up with champagne and I feel so terrible I really miss you blar blar blar. Then the very second he got me to admit, Oh, Daniel, I miss you too, he suddenly went all patronizing and businesslike and said, The thing is, Suki and I . . . ‘

Should have gone to stay with Tom as suggested. Hate being alone in middle of night, smoking and sniveling like mad psychopath. Fear Dan downstairs might hear and ring loony bin. Oh God, whats wrong with me? Why does nothing ever work out? It is because I am too fat. Toy with ringing Tom again but only called him forty-five minutes ago. Cannot face going into work. After rooftop encounter I didnt say a single word to Daniel: just put my nose in the air, slithered past him, marched down to the Street into car and drove away. Went immediately to Toms, who poured vodka straight down my throat from the bottle, adding the tomato juice and Worcester sauce afterwards. Daniel had left three messages when I got back, asking me to call him. Did not, following advice of Tom, who reminded me that the only way to succeed with men is to be really’

Gav is ten. Anyway he only liked me because he thought I was crying about a toilet roll.’

Saturday 12 August 9st 3 (still in very good cause), alcohol units 3 (v.g.), cigarettes 32 (v.p. bad, particularly since first day of giving up), calories 1800 (g.), lottery tickets 4 (fair), no. of serious current affairs

Someone called Gav said Hi: twenty-two maybe, sexy, in a shrunken T-shirt revealing a chopping-board-like midriff.

Realize with sinking humiliation that reason have been feeling smug about Peter all these years was that I finished with him and now he is effectively finishing with me by marrying Mrs. Giant Valkyrie bottom. Sink into morbid, cynical reflection on how much romantic heartbreak is to do with ego and miffed pride rather than actual loss, also incorporating subthought that reason for Fergys insane overconfidence may be that Andrew still wants her back (until he marries someone else, har har). 6:45 p.m. Was just starting to watch the 6 oclock news, notebook poised, when Mum burst in bearing carrier bags. Now, darling, she said sailing past me into the kitchen. Ive brought you some nice soup, and some smart outfits of mine for Monday! She was wearing a lime green suit, black tights and highheeled court shoes. She looked like Cilla Black on Blind Date.

6 p.m. As luck would have it, Jude had just been reading brilliant book called Goddesses in Everywoman. Apparently the book says that at certain times in your life everything goes wrong and you dont know which way to turn and it is as if everywhere around you stainless steel doors are clamping shut like in Star Trek. What you have to do is be a heroine and stay brave, without sinking into drink or self-pity and everything will be OK. And that all the Greek myths and many successful movies are all about human beings facing difficult trials and not being wimps but holding hard and thus coming Out on top.

2 p.m. Oh my God. Ive overslept.

There was a deathly hush, then Richard Finch started to laugh. It was the most repulsive laugh Ive ever heard in my life. Then all the grunge youths started to laugh as well.

Monday 14 August 9st 5 (great-turned into lard mountain for interview, also have spot), alcohol units 0, cigarettes many, calories 1575 (but threw up so effectively 400, approx.). Oh God. Terrified about interview. I have told Perpetua I am at the gynecologist — I know I should have said dentist but opportunities to torture the nosiest woman in the world must not be allowed to slip through the net. I am almost ready and merely need to complete my makeup while practicing my opinions on Tony Blairs leadership. Oh my God, whos the Shadow Defense Secretary? Oh fuck, oh flick. Is it someone with a beard? Shit: telephone. I cant believe it: terrifying telephonic teenager with patronizing South London sing-song going, Hel-lo, Bridget, Richard Finchs office here. Richards in Blackpool this morning so he wont be able to make the meeting. Rescheduled for Wednesday. Will have to pretend have recurring gynecological condition. Might as well take rest of morning off anyway.

7 p.m. Kings Cross train. Oh dear. Met Jude in the George at three. We were going to go to a Question and Answer session but we had a few Bloody Marys and remembered that Question and Answer sessions have a bad effect on us. You get hypertense trying to think up a question, putting your hand up and down. You finally get to ask it, in a semi-crouching position and odd high-pitched voice, then sit frozen with embarrassment, nodding like a dog in the back of a car whilst a twenty-minute answer in which you had no interest in the first place is directed at you. Anyway, before we knew where we were it was 5:30. Then Perpetua appeared with a whole bunch of people from the office.

Hope they both become obese and have to be lifted out of the window by crane. 5:45 p.m. Trying to concentrate hard on memorizing names of Shadow Cabinet to avoid spiral of self-doubt. Have never met Waspys Intended of course but imagine giant thin blond rooftop giantess-type who rises at five each morning, goes to gym, rubs herself down with salt then runs international merchant bank all day without smudging mascara..

Everythings fine. Am going to get down to 8st 7lb again and free thighs entirely of cellulite.

What? I stammered.

She said I had to talk about the problems I had that were unrelated to Richard.’

What a mess! Now. Have a look through these bags while I heat up the soup.’

articles read 1.5, 1471 calls 22 (OK), minutes spent having cross imaginary conversations with Daniel 120 (v.g.), minutes spent imagining Daniel begging me to come back 90 (excellent). Right. Determined to be v. positive about everything. Am going to change life: become well informed re: current affairs, stop smoking entirely and form functional relationship with adult man. 8:30 a.m. Still have not had fag. Vg. 8:35 a.m. No fags all day. Excellent. 8:40 a.m. Wonder if anything nice has come in post? 8:45 a.m. Ugh. Hateful document from Social Security Agency asking for ￡1452. What? How can this be? Have not got ￡1432. Oh God, need fag to calm nerves. Mustnt. Mustnt. 8:47 a.m. Just had fag. But no-smoking day does not start officially till have got dressed.

11:15 a.m. I cant believe this. Daniel stared at me, ashen-faced. You cant do this, he said. Have you any idea how difficult the last few weeks have been for me? Then Perpetua burst in — she must have been eavesdropping outside the door.

She spent the entire train journey with the portable phone pressed to her ear, bellowing at the rest of us. Arthur Smiths Hamlet is completely booked up so we could go to the Coen brothers instead at five but that means well be too late for Richard Herring. So shall we not go to Jenny Eclair — Chuh! I frankly dont know why she still bothers — and do Lanark, then try to get into Harry Hill or Bondages and Julian Clary? Hang on. Ill try the Gilded Balloon. No, Harry Hills booked up, so shall we skip the Coen brothers?’

2 a.m. Gor es wor blurry goofun tonight though. Ooof. Tumbled over.

Saturday 26 August 8:30 a.m. Right, Im going to have a quiet, healthy time at home. Lovely. I might finish The Famished Road.

completely childish . . . just silly. I think she might have misunderstood something somewhere along the line.

Just going to the loo, I blurted, rushing away past a configuration of sanitary-napkin bags.

Help, help. Have suddenly had brainwave: ring Mum.

Sorry, I said, slumping dizzily against the wall. Just, um, saw a car accident out of the window. I was evidently superfluous to the conversation, however, as Waspy gushed on about the cost of wedding cakes for about twenty minutes, then said, Have to go. Were cooking Delia Smith venison sausages with juniper berries tonight and watching TV.’

Darling — wrong way round. He has to work with you. Give him hell, baby. (Oh God, I dont know who shes been mixing with.) Ive been thinking, anyway. Its high time you got out of that silly dead-end job where no one appreciates you. Prepare to hand in your notice, kid. Yes, darling Im going to get you a job in television. Am just off to work looking like Ivana bloody Trump wearing a suit and lip gloss.

Where do you keep your soup ladles? she said, banging cupboard doors. Honestly, darling.

I was talking about Dad, not Suddenly Single, I hissed.

Office. Third-floor toilets. This is just . . . just . . . intolerable. What on earth possessed me to think it was a good idea to have an affair with my boss? Cannot deal with it out there. Daniel has announced his engagement to the giantess. Sales reps who I didnt think even knew about our affair keep ringing up to congratulate me and I have to explain that actually he has got engaged to someone else. I keep remembering how romantic it was when we started and it was all secret computer messages and trysts in the lift. I heard Daniel on the phone arranging to meet Pukey tonight and he said in a topsy-bunny voice, Not too bad . . . so far, and I knew he was talking about my reaction, as if I were an emotionally unbalanced ex-wife or something. A九九藏书m seriously considering face-lift.

Oh, I cant explain, he said huffily. Its very special. I stared at him, astonished at the audacity of his volte-face.

Gav likes you, said Tom.

Trouble is now I have sobered up not sure I am 100 percent sure what she was talking about. Mum rang up and I tried to talk to her about how difficult it is being a woman and having a sell-by date for reproduction unlike men, but she just said, Oh, honestly, darling. You girls are just so picky and romantic these days: youve simply got too much choice. Im not saying I didnt love Dad but, you know, we were always taught, instead of waiting to be swept off our feet, to expect little, forgive much. And to be honest, darling, having children isnt all its built up to be. I mean, no offense, I dont mean this personally but given my chance again Im not sure Id have . . . ‘

Wednesday 9 August

Im sorry, love, he said, taking out his credit card and starting to lean back to get the attention of the waiter, but were getting married.’

Oh, poor you. Yes, I saw Peter last night . . . (Where? What? Why wasnt I invited?) . . . and he was telling everyone how upset you were about the wedding. As he said, it is difficult, single women do tend to get desperate as they get older . . . ‘

But the party . . . and Mrs. Husbands-Bosworth.’

Deciding to overlook the fact that it was a) August b) boiling hot c) 6:15 and d) I didnt want any soup, I peered cautiously into the first carrier bag, where there was something pleated and synthetic in bright yellow with a terracotta leaf design. Er, Mum . . . I began, but then her handbag started ringing.

9:30 a.m. Woken by Perpetua bellowing, Anyone coming to the poetry reading?! Then it all went quiet and I heard Debby and the man whispering and him going into the kitchen. Then Perpetuas voice boomed out, What are you doing here?!! I said NO OVERNIGHT GUESTS.’

Midnight. After shed gone, called Tom, who took me to a party a friend of his from art school was having at the Saatchi Gallery to stop me obsessing.

Its really, really, really, really amazing, Gav was saying. Its, like, a sullied Utopia with these really really really good echoes of, like, lost national identities.’

Richard says to come to the conference, know what Im sayin? she muttered, powering off down a corridor while I scurried after her. She burst through a pink door into a vast open_plan office strewn with piles of scripts, TV screens suspended from the ceiling, charts all over the walls, and mountain bikes propped against the desks. At the far end was a large oblong table where the meeting was in progress. Everyone turned and stared as we approached. A plump, middle_aged man with curly blond hair, a denim shirt and huge red spectacles was jigging up and down at the end of the table.

Darling, you are sweet. Im under such terrible pressure.’

Head state v. bad again. Cannot bear thought of Daniel with someone else. Mind is full of horrid fantasies about them doing things together. The plans to lose weight and change personality kept me aloft for two days, only to collapse around my ears. I realize it was only a complicated form of denial. Was believing could totally reinvent self in space of small number of days, thereby negating impact of Daniels hurtful and humiliating infidelity, since it had happened to me in a previous incarnation and would never have happened to my new improved self. Unfortunately, I now realize the whole point of the aloof over-made-up ice-queen on anticellulite diet palaver was to make Daniel realize the error of his ways. Tom did warn me of this and said 90 percent of plastic surgery was done on women whose husbands had run off with a younger woman. I said the rooftop giantess was not so much younger as taller but Tom said that wasnt the point. Humph.

Come and talk to Gav, he said. Hes really, like, into you. Then he took one look at my face and said. Oh shit, Ill take you home. Its no good. When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world youve created together Collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed-over British Rail sandwich?

Bridge, what are you doing here?’

This last bit puzzles me — does the anticellulite oil actually soak into the cellulite through the skin? In which case, if you put self-tanning lotion on does that mean you get suntanned cellulite inside? Or suntanned blood? Or a suntanned lymphatic drainage system? Urgh. Anyway. . .

They looked at me expectantly. Suddenly I knew I was going to cry. Tom was now drooling over a giant bar of soap bearing the imprint of a penis. Gav was staring at me. Wow, that is, like, a really, really, really wild . . . he whispered reverently as I blinked back tears, . . . response.’

Tonight he caught up with me outside the office as I was leaving. Darling, please, we really need to talk.’

Just called Jude. I told her a bit about the tragedy with Daniel and she was horrified, immediately declared a state of emergency and said she would call Sharon and fix for us all to meet at nine. She couldnt come till then because she was meeting Vile Richard, whod at last agreed to come to Relationship Counseling with her.

I panicked. My mind went blank.