Still sweet.

Hey, Mr. Graham, welcome to our luau.

Why, when I was a virgin bride, I took

Hello, Ike.

Yeah. Lee at the hotel videos wedding.

IKE

Found what?

BOB

I want to run an idea past you.

deity..."

IKE

wedding day. The yard is crowded with a MIXTURE of Hells

I think I am.

Will he really do that?

Im so tired of this.

MAGGIE

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

Maggie finishes the punchline along with his father.

Walter reacts.

IKE

Lou Trout..

knights banner out behind her. This is MAGGIE CARPENTER.

I want to have a very serious discussion

Excuse me?

You know, its just possible that she

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

IKE

Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.

rented plastic palm trees and fiberglass copies of Hawaiian

Watch your leg, Dad.

IKE

attention.

Grandma!

start of the wedding by knocking on the door.

MRS. PRESSMAN

guess what? I dont like having a

designed, then on again. She turns off the other lamp on the

This is the weight of the pack youre

BACK INSIDE THE ROOM

Did something happen to make you care

town. Ike pulls up and goes inside.

(impressed)

Help me, baby.

Maggie!

MAGGIE (contd)

MAGGIE

Cory?

(crosses to him)

CUT TO:

Your filters clogged. This takes

IKE

What do you expect me to say to this?

(quiet fury)

girl in your daughters wedding.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Ill tell you one

IKE

You must be very proud.

FISHER

dreams.

Ike, I really liked the Runaway Bride

MAGGIE

looks and noises of encouragement.

Ike backs up to opposite railing and sits facing Maggie.

MAGGIE (contd)

Cindy, Cory, Peggy and Meredith also rush out of the church and

doubled over on a childs chair. Peggy moves from the window to

CLOSE ON:

you know, Betty and I got married on

booze that nobody drank.

best.

She tries to grab the photo again. Ike pulls it away.

My girl likes to brag about me.

Maggie smiles up at him. Ike tips his head back and covers his

even want to talk about it.

Okay... Ill just grab my jacket.

dated for a while.

have inclosed a list of the gross

Oh my God. No.

Ike stares at his hair in total confusion. With icy calm, Ike

GRANDMA JULIA

Ellie and Fisher hear about Maggies wedding.

satisfy my current appetite: Ike

egg whites only, thank you very much.

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

(casual)

Dennis recognizes Ike as he walks up. Dennis tells Ike that he

Its a thousand dollars!

Fair enough.

You and your lucky geese. You always

Maggie enters the parlor to see Ike smiling evilly from his seat

They stop at the coffee table and grab something to eat.

This is very interesting. You get your

thinking about opening a wedding gift

Attention. Listen to Walter. Listen

Ow!

What can I get you?

MAGGIE

Ike Graham is here!

IKE

Ive seen much worse.

the longing.

the ceiling in the car. She grabs the photo from Ike and exits.

(grimacing)

of Bobs chair and puts her arm on his shoulder.

Ike raises his eyebrows in question. Bob explains.

She ignores him and continues her search.

Ike looks at her. Apparently the word "mad" is an understatement.

Maybe you should ask her some time.

"MAGGIES MAD DASH"

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER

WALTER

The PHOTOGRAPHERS turn their cameras on Ike, en masse. He is

CUT TO:

have given him a better Christmas gift.

GEORGE

(feigning shock)

MAGGIE

GRANDMA JULIA

IKE

GILL (contd)

side of Maggie and picks up the bride and groom figure.

They stop walking.

MRS. TROUT

into the foyer to get ready. Cindy sits with Ted at the organ.

Only when the ideas arent flowing,

one or both of us will want to get out

Ike hangs up and watches more of the George Swilling wedding

bear to watch. Im going to make a

face. Her face.

(seeing the portrait)

WALTER (contd)

IKE

FISHER (V.O.)

IKE

while you contemplate whether or not

her last wedding. Ike laughs with Bartender just as Maggie

since the fifth grade.

reading)

results are in. Back to you, Jessica.

Shell be the prettiest little flower

WOMAN

wrecks.

MAGGIE

other persons fault, because I had

Ill get it from the back.

THE END

Always a mood killer.

ELAINE

IKE (contd)

look at each other, trying to act normal.

MAGGIE

(enjoying the moment)

really use fifty bucks.

He was going with Maggie back then.

Wedding. Wedding.

Well, Maggie -- in the words of Mrs.

MAGGIE

(blathering)

running shoes to you.

(no Netta)

"How does she get all these guys to

Theres something familiar about him. She looks over at Peggy

half of a "W". A "W" for...

No.

the bathroom. He goes over to the door and tries the handle.

A sigh now rises from the GUESTS as Maggie closes in on Ike. He

INT. CHURCH - DAY

PEGGY

IKE

the window, looks away, stops and looks again. The window

Ike approaches the window of the bar. Theres a DRUNK MAN and a

... Like such a lovely girl.

You stand here and be me so she knows

guess what?

smiles stiffly, looking back at Ike. She then sits on the arm

(yelling out)

(removing his glasses)

We do it to our dog.

BRIAN

with two Sherpas and a yak.

IKE

account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour

tape.

IKE

(excited)

MAGGIE

Ellie.

Ha ha.

Now we see Maggie come down the aisle, then walk past the altar.

holds the cassette up to the light to read the hand-written

Hey, Bob. I got twenty dollars bet on--

MAGGIE

Gill is waiting on the platform with a rock combo playing

Did you see that?

BOB

BRIAN

one that serves it up.

IKE

Maggie scowls at Ike. He nods, all charm.

(sincerely)

(sharply)

Okay -- have a seat... gently,

because youre too afraid to do

I didnt even need to change this

move?

and calls after him.

MAGGIE

No. But I think attraction is too

BOB

Well see.

Bob kisses and embraces Maggie. She doesnt see Ike immediately,

JUST THEN. Ike enters the salon, taking off his sunglasses.

They stumble and lurch, exiting the bar toward Maggies car.

Fisher throws himself onto the carpet and rolls himself

He wanted to know how you used to like

PEGGY

Let him come to the wedding. Youre

She gives her bouquet to a little GIRL as she goes by. Ike comes

Thank you.

say is, "Look..."

Mrs. Trout steps away to get his order. Ike moves to the other

As we come in, the hula dancers finish their applause and Mrs.

Join the club.

I dont know.

minutes off from that creep.

IKE

(after no response)

Ive decided to cooperate and let you

is up. He sees all his notes gone and a glimpse of Maggie as she

my own horse.

Ike walks down a street toward Ellie and Fisher.

Hes got a tropical sheet wrapped around his pants and shirt.

IKE

CUT TO:

know.

not running, right? Say it. "Im

bride, badum dum.

What an incredible chauvinistic

He moves to the kitchen.

Jerry Kramer.

PEGGY

window, listening.

Adios. Plows down the aisle, knocking

As Ike breaks in, he runs to the window and yells after her.

He walks away.

how long this has been going on?

Why?

MRS. TROUT

Fisher? Come on -- I know youre

(friendly)

IKE

the pew)

story.

Bobs smile dies. Cindys mouth drops open as the kiss goes on

to be enjoying the petroleum

MAGGIE

BARTENDER

The KIDS mob him, grabbing his pockets. Ike fights his way

MAGGIE

Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.

satisfaction?

sits under a hair dryer. Sprout, the dog, sits in his basket.

to go. She jumps off the stage and runs up to a passing GUY on

MAGGIE

He stares at her for a beat, stung by her words.

street. (lowers her paper and reads.)

The NY T-shirt Vendor pitches his wares.

INT. MAGGIES LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Whittenmeyer catches the wig as he puts the mannequin under his

MAGGIE

somebody...

You can go in now.

She steps outside, leaving Ike with the record.

longer be appearing in this paper.

IKE

Ike peeks out from under his towel as Maggie continues.

INT. IKES APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ike... Please dont write anything

(huffy)

But the one you have on hold is lovely.

is doing. Its the theme of this party.

that.

ELLIE

IKE

old grooms. They are all paired in twos, like a love Noahs ark.

Wow. That only took us between years

pulls him down on top of her, out of frame. We HEAR them giggle

lemon into lemonade.

grit out of it.

He starts putting cat food in a bowl. The cat leaves Maggies

MAGGIE

He takes the boutonniere and puts it on Ikes lapel.

might actually sell that thing.

smiles at her. She smiles at him. She is almost there... Shes

Can you fix it?

video camera: CHUFFA about Scorsese.

MAGGIE

IKE

lunatic, but I know exactly where hes

been more certain in my life. Except

thinking us slanderous statements about

Ellie enters the kitchen, hears the question and shakes her head

But I also guarantee that if I dont

EXT. CENTRAL PARK RESERVOIR - DUSK

Theyre beginning to sense theyre in trouble here. Suddenly,

may I ask you a favor, Maggie?

(taking off his jacket)

strike out a lot.

Once in the privacy of the foyer, Peggy and Maggie talk.

(under her breath)

He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.

seventh fiance. So all bets are on and

guests stare at Maggie. Mortified, she holds back tears.

IKE

MAGGIE

Mrs. Pressman and the Trouts watch. Mrs. Trout picks lint off of

EXT. WINDOW OF CHURCH/INT. SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM - DAY

Ike is turning sensitive and I cant

give me that photograph.

You okay? Im closing.

railing, landing on Dennis toe. He follows down the stairs

child, not for lacking of trying.

Ike indicates the seat next to Peggy.

Will you marry me?

Maggie hands Mrs. Trout her bride and broom figures. Maggie

MAGGIE

Thats Maggie. Home for lunch.

BRIAN

see geese.

Thats okay, Grandma.

fresh pot of tea.

Maggie Carpenter, "Always a Bride --

But..." Nice guys, but Im cheap.

Nervous? Not at all! No. Ive never

EXT. BALCONY/IKESAPARTMENT - NIGHT

Keep an eye on him.

She hesitates.

EXT. MAIN STREET/HALE - NIGHT (1-5 MONTHS LATER)

Maggie, its just a joke...

Wall.", Maggie dances over, waving the paper and singing.

MAGGIE

here to buy one. But not just any one.

ELAINE

kissing frantically, tongues, hands, hair, elbow, you name it.

The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression

IKE (contd)

MAGGIE (contd)

(to Maggie)

what hits him.

Im not giving up. A person shouldnt

for you.

Thanks.

Bob hauls back and punches Ike in the face. Ike drops.

Lighten up, what?

Ike cant believe it.

We have to hurry. The Sunday School

Ill just need one more day to make sure

Good boy, Port Hole.

This guy never stops.

(reading)

getting up from his stool without stopping his enthusiastic

IKE

somebody who didnt have any idea who I

to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as

MAGGIE

LEE

(sitting)

IKE (contd)

PEGGY

Fisher gives a little "darn, so close" look.

Bob test the weight of the backpack adding dehydrate food.

bathroom window. Its stuck. She climbs over the bathtub,

GEORGE

MAGGIE

Maggie swivels his chair so that Ike faces the mirror. Ike

(half to herself)

Now she is glowing at him, shining with the full force of her.

Ike walks off. They stare at him as he goes.

Blathering fools.

MAGGIE

Bob storms down the aisle and out of the church.

Fisher hands a file to Elaine.

Yes it is. And it doesnt mean

eyes with his hand.

sitting.

profile of the women of Hale.

breaks the peace and... A HORSE and RIDER burst between the rows

flirtation energy and it just lands on

MAGGIE

hour, but being around in the beginning

Not now.

MAGGIE

FADE TO BLACK.

IKE (contd)

He walks to the bar and is greeted warmly by Lee. Maggie gets

FISHER

Then well come back for him.

INT. CHURCH FOYER - THAT MOMENT

MAGGIE

Maggie moves toward door.

(beat)

Father, am I too late?

Remember one time we had a flat tire...

IKE

I just say that for the agency guys. I

Do you think theres only one right

MAGGIE (contd)

Should I be writing this down?

possible escape route, then changes her mind. She signals the

a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous.

What was that? I cant order my eggs

Hey, Ike, what would Jerry do?

Bob blows his whistle, then puts Maggie on the football sled.

and kiss.

But Ill get my normal fee, right?

Excuse me, we dont need any new ideas.

right back down the aisle and out the...

Boring, down to death, pointless -- It

He puts his finger in the correct hole. She turns it on. The

Yep. Maggie -- Someone to see you.

Maggie walks in and kisses Grandma on the cheek.

and Bolts" in another newspaper.

hardware store across the street...

But you havent lost your mystery!

Fun? Fun isnt the word.

observation.

Run your laps. Go. Go.

most today."

(holding her

trainer. Big advocate of the mind and

away, I wouldnt get to say this next

can run everyones life but your own.

MAGGIE (contd)

Good.

CLOSE ON: A CASSETTE PLAYER. We see the familiar handwritten

IKE

PEGGY

(then, with enthusiasm)

(to himself)

IKE

EXT. HOTEL PORCH - NEXT DAY, SATURDAY MORNING

door shut.

done everything to convince him that I

MAGGIE

Seven-fifty.

scolds him. Walter whacks his crab with his hammer and Ike

ELLIE

I hope youll be very happy together.

At least I backed out before the

The slow, loopy pitch of a softball. A bat connects.

Ike exits. Then, Bob comes over.

The tape fast-forwards to the next wedding. Now Ike is looking

ANGLE ON DESK AREA:

The family dog, Skipper, steals food from the table. Walter

sorry for me.

(whispering to Mrs. Whittenmeyer)

PEGGY

GORGE

INT. IKES APARTMENT - ANOTHER DAY

(thinks a moment;

Oh, sure. That was a long time ago.

Mrs. Whittenmeyer. May I talk to you

(laughing)

one of the cinnamon rolls as Bob pushes the KIDS.

Well, why dont you pick out some

Hi, Maggie. Youll have to excuse her,

How about -- "I hope youll be very

MAGGIE

it the finishing touches. Then he sees his defaced newspaper

Mrs. Whittenmeyer wilts under Ikes fierce gaze. She turns to

EXT. GILLS GARAGE - DAY

Perfect. Because Miss Carpenter is

Id like to explain about the weddings.

IKE

Peggy exits. Maggie stares, losing herself in thought. Then a

give her a bag to breathe in.

IKE

part -- I look down at my dress and

(flustered)

a diamond set into the number.

Im sorry, Ike. This is permanent.

dear. Polly, will you come help me,

interest is more than piqued. Ike picks it up. They get up and

here unless theyre getting haircut.

expenses or both. Ill take your check.

IKE

MAGGIE (contd)

other kinds.

pained. Gill shows it to Ike. Ike looks at the tattoo. He

Kind of isolated.

"... She is known as Miss Maggie

IKE

WORKERS read the above article.

happiness, you might as well go back.

MAGGIE

love and who love you back.

him we dated before you were a priest?

(protecting, taking

not..."

incredible.

Freeze. Hold on to those covers -- I

sucks.

Polly comes to help carry the mannequin away.

swings back and forth in the foyer doorway.

and moves a lever on the shop wall. With a HUM, the car descends.

CUT TO:

Come on and give us a toast.

Attraction is very misleading. And if

WALTER

Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of

PEGGY

(firmly)

now, do I? But I cant speak for

kids will be here soon.

back to them. The two women sit back down and Maggie takes back

BOB

IKE (V.O.)

Hi, Im Elaine from New York.

Its a joke. Theyre kidding.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They

MAGGIE

EXT. CHURCH - THAT MOMENT

GRANDMA JULIA

Various newspaper WORKERS also read Jays column in the USA

Two flower girls and Peggy enter a crowded church where the

Maggie... You only wear them for about

MAGGIE

PEGGY

They continue to pound him with questions as he walks to church

convinced that she was perfect for them,

Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself.

They look after the FedEx truck and watch Ike chasing the truck

MRS. TROUT

opposite railing.

(to Peggy)

MAGGIE

GILL

Hardware. Sign says: "At Curl. Be back soon."

Maggie steps over, carrying her bride and groom figure choices.

running from the devil himself.

Ill help you take into the kitchen.

Because I think youre writing on spec

entrance door.

MAGGIE

(heading to the door)

IKE (contd)

Yes. My husband and I love luaus.

the wedding to run.

Grateful Dead rose.

Ike smiles broadly atop of the sled as he sees Maggie

college.

Of course.

The rider is a bride -- a beautiful woman dressed in a

Its a small barn thats been converted into a luau with a bar.

aloud, paying no mind to Bob, who is sticking her arms through

She gets to him. Ike gets a restless look on his face. He

I dont know. Im working on it. I

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY

MAGGIE

then, quickly climbs out onto the lawn as the truck starts to

its red. I mean, I have no idea what

way this time?

Peggy and Cindy exit. Maggie pulls the bell rope and sways back

MAGGIE

job.

the sheriff.

sitting in the drivers seat. He has been enjoying the

(to Elaine)

comment on Maggies runaway. Further down the road, Ike still

save the battery... Theres one thing

like that.

Mrs. Trout turns and grabs Ikes bag containing two coffees.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

MAGGIE

Ike looks at Maggie. Hed bet a thousand bucks on what shed say

Its a little... Its a little heavy...

IKE

actually stumble upon a fact or two.

screen. Superimposed titles read "Brian Norris wedding."

you just need an attic fan -- Theres

I am just such a reporter. And you are?

ELLIE

Ike pulls his tape recorder out of his pocket and quietly speaks

IKE

MAGGIE

Maggie cringes at the sound of Ikes voice.

This game is pretty important to him.

WALTER AND MAGGIE

MRS. TROUT

(bright)

(sarcastically)

What?

CUT TO:

Coffee. Now.

LOUT TROUT

Satisfied?

Today entitled "Maggie Mad Dash" and "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts

We see a WEDDING BOUQUET fly into a ditch as the horse thunders

MAGGIE

bit of her breath away. She covers.

his hair. Hes an attractive man.

I dont have much choice in the matter

and call me when you feel Ive served

She performed the travesty seven or

MAGGIE

Just a second.

IKE

(picks up another)

BOB (contd)

MAGGIE (contd)

Block the doors!

Maggie and Peggy, cheering loudly. Peggy tries to whoop harder

No. No -- Actually, lets make Ike the

inside a cocoon.

No credit cards.

Actually, Grandma, I charmed the one-

First I have to find some tools. I

(defensive)

Maggie hops cheerfully back to her feet.

INT. IKES APARTMENT - DUSK

we hope.

on. She spots on audio cassette on the desk near the door. She

Docs Pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell

(to Ike)

to believe there could be more. Um...

your facts werent entirely straight,

Youll answer my questions?

Betty Trout. Five dollars.

Maggie looks at Brian. Suddenly, she remembers too.

Mrs. Trout starts picking lint off Fishers jacket.

mistresses. He wanted me to be a

amongst trees, "nuzzling". Ike reads as he pushes Maggie in a

steal third.

Excuse me, Pete, do you know a place

MRS. PRESSMAN

pastor.

IKE

Yes, Im spiraling through the air.

Not anymore. I have to draw the line.

Well, instead of a haircut, how about

IKE

IKE (contd)

All the guests start banding their pineapple cups. Walter rises

Whats this over here?

PEGGY

Mrs. Trout is on stage, introducing hula contestants. Grandma

NEW ANGLE:

really Hawaii.

exactly like what he is: a cynical New York out of his element

(pushing a piece

BOB

Of an impure nature?

Fine. Here.

Are you a reporter?

to go. Peggy walks to the beauty parlor, unlocks the front door

youre throwing --

EARL

Theyre terrific.

wave. Ike rubs his headache.

person for everybody?

Only respectful things. What did we

PEGGY

ELAINE

IKE

Ike takes his coffee with him as he picks up his glasses, puts

town.

MAGGIE

your mind off the reporter.

to dress it up, it doesnt ring true.

during the seventh inning stretch...

BRIAN

celebration of Corys play. No looks at Peggy. Ike keeps an

point?

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

visualize. Remember what Bob said?

FISHER

dont.

"BRIDE TAKES HIKE...NOT IKE"

we country girls know how to do is cut

showing you the full wedding ceremony,

ELLIE

So, you think... maybe... You have to

IKE (contd)

Maggie hands it to him.

Spit.

FISHER

IKE

Thank you. You still think that he

is there, only theyre not really them.

reporting.

around.

Maggie looks at Ike, wondrous, confused.

Maggie.

never done.

He looks around and spots some gadgets and lamps on another table.

MAGGIE

Nice guys, but he just out of prison.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

IKE

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH/CHURCH - DAY

Poor Ike.

I am a soon-to-be-married woman. Now

Look -- Ill be in there later today.

(amazed)

(laughing)

Ike, how is the story coming? Is she a

Im not sure. Mr. Schullian runs the

the rice hits the ground"

was on the wrong track.

IKE

MAGGIE

Ike moves away from her and sits on the steps near the balcony

cocktail hour. Elaine is in back all dressed in black, mourning

strengthens the follicles.

He opens it. Its her running shoes.

Oh, I will.

other people down and-and-and laugh at

you canned.

it means. Reds not my color!

Peggy pours her coffee out of its Styrofoam cup into a ceramic mug.

-- Its for you, Ike.

pocket.

on a neighbors lawn, invited GUESTS flock by in their party

IKE

And I land on the goal line.

stunned.

"Never say die."

MRS. TROUT

Holy moly.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say

out.

approaches the altar on horseback, in a simple white dress,

Originality is my speciality.

on the couch.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - LATE DAY

Maggie is aghast. She stares at Bob. Ike joins in behind a line

second!... Sneaky!

Ike sips his drink before answering.

Id love to stay and chat, but Ive got

Maggie stops Gill from playing. She shoots her ex an angry glare

Ill be back in a second.

some? A chance to prove that, though

To who? Are you asking me?

No, you tell her.

What is he up to now?

PEGGY

Im inside the church. Everyone I know

(gently, to Ike)

(reassuringly)

She wants that one.

Angels-types, Deadheads and townspeople. The "altar" is a band

I love you. I love you.

He walks the other way.

you, one-minute man.

Good fact. Well, you let me know.

cant wait to show it to you.

The anatomy of the black widow spider

IKE

(nods to door)

Okay, hes on base. Can we talk about

be. But if you ever become a Catholic,

(sometimes slowing down).

Maggie gives him a look that says, "You are not absolved." She

right? All were doing is turning

Brian leans into her confessional. She steps out to join him.

And why did you say seven times? This

... If he comes by here, dont talk to

Because I know in my heart -- youre

Peggy whispers to Maggie.

spit.

Maggie jumps rope barefooted late at night.

Youve seen the post-its. Ive already

Five hundred.

There he is. Snoop Doggy-Dogg.

Jerry to let me sit in on "Ripple"?

former spouse.

LIONEL

Really.

Bob is halfway down the walk. Maggie appears at the church door

sixteenths.

"Be the ball."

PEGGY

IKE

moral support.

Reporter?

(to Peggy)

go out on a limo. Thats what makes me

No, no. Youre her best friend.

INT. CHAPEL - THAT MOMENT

You do that. And remind him hes

PEGGY (contd)

BRIAN

walks to his car.

walks her to two horses. Ike and Maggie, on the two horses, ride

Maggie raises her eyes and sees Ike in front of her as groom.

CUT TO:

(whispers)

MRS. PRESSMAN

EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK STREET - DAY

(putting the list

MAGGIES POV:

MAGGIE

ridiculous questio藏书网n. The rest werent

Fisher uses the dock for a photo shoot featuring men and women

will you spike the bouquet?

fired, lady. You destroyed my

on a weekday while everybody is at work.

steps. An OLDER LADY smacks him on the shoulder with a

PEGGY

MAGGIE

(continuing his thought)

He walks to them.

She fights back angry tears.

IKE (contd)

No, Maggie, I defended you.

Before Peggy can protest, Maggie climbs down off the bleachers

Stop. Stop it! Im getting married on

to the head of the aisle and places him. Peggy follows Maggie

As Maggie helps the man get up, we see that its Walter, Maggies

Ike is highly amused.

(pleading)

and forth as she rings the bell.

She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.

EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - LATER THAT DAY

Maggies family, Mrs. Trout and people weve already met, and

With the bug guy, poached. Now its

WALTER

questions.

reads: "Hit and Run: Runaway Bride Strikes again". And we see

grooms in the dust like that.

All the guests stand as Maggie enter the chapel smiling.

looks at his brightly colored hair.

Establishing of Ikes car driving.

MAGGIE

the booth)

MAGGIE

Me?

-- I am having all kinds of weird

Lou Trout stands with his glass raised.

number three.

Mrs. Trout)

as he and Fisher continue their conversation in voice-over. (If

Hes going to be the pastor?

Holy moly.

I think I do understand. So my not

Yup!

ANGLE ON:

pointing a cheap video camera himself.

Give me a pen.

I didnt drag.

takeout. Thats New York living.

As George pauses in the doorway, Ike holds up his tape recorder.

continues reading)

(into phone)

MAGGIE

closes the church door.

Bob, Im sorry!

"Camptown Races."

beauty and intelligent eyes.

Weird dreams? Youre going to tell me

MAN

from a big man like you". Very hard

would Bruce Lee do? Hed kick some

"MAG" logo.

WALTER

When Im wrong, Im wrong. I pushed a

MAGGIE

She stops walking and turns to Ike.

Maggie looks ready to cry.

WALTER

Ike.

Cindy. Maggies unmarried cousin.

Theyre ready, Maggie.

(chuckles as he sits)

Bob beams to see Maggies eager arrival at Ikes side. He

Ike steps up and stands next to Fisher.

sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped

Mrs. Trout just about bursts a gut laughing. Maggie takes the

My daughter makes real good time, even

IKE

kiss, a circular kiss. We hear the applause of about twenty

Dont tell me. My doorman is one of

than Maggie, but that would be tough. From firs base, Cory waves

BRIAN

will no longer flirt with Cory, and I

rubs her shoulders.

He puts his finger in the wrong hole of the machine.

get turned on and it frightens me.

the shop owner. Also, the girls MOTHER is there watching.

little boy up the aisle.

T-SHIRT VENDOR

MAGGIE

Good daughters let their fathers pass

Ike kisses Maggie. It is a world class, Olympic kiss. It is a

PEGGY

expecting her to share her joy. Mrs. Whittenmeyer darkens.

(thinks a beat)

Why dont you let him sleep it off in

Mag. Help me out here. Green Bay.

Bob continues to hold up the weight of the backpack as he straps

IKE

Skipper.

You know Maggie was the only girl I

You look awful.

theyre gonna make you sign a lease.

Fish.

PEGGY

youre always making jokes about her,

helps run the family hardware store.

Hello. Im Bob, Maggies fourth

(calling after her)

He looks better. Ike enters. George looks up and recognizes

the window a moment. She picks up a toy horse.

CINDY

your theory was correct.

BOB (contd)

(a pause)

GILL

(protesting weakly)

Maggie exits her house, gets on her bike and rides off towards

very flustered.

MAGGIE

IKE

staring. I would like to get married

INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY

I just found out Im best man! Im

MRS. TROUT

beg your forgiveness.

I need a plan... A plan to life... What

of his drink)

for a second?

understand.

door. Ike is there in a flash to help her pull Walter into the

... Theyre up, theyre down. Its

leaf-lined aisle to a waiting Ike. They kiss as we hear the vows

copies him.

Get this man a Kamikaze.

IKE

mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed

(as she takes post-its)

Thank you.

best, and local NEWS TEAMS block the way. The STATE SENATOR is

INT. IKES APARTMENT - DAY

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

to be.

Maggie leads Ike upstairs to her workroom.

IKE

skinny on why you run from marital

WALTER

joke anybodys ever played on me!

MAN (contd)

order.

Look.

(to Fisher; into phone)

supportive. You were being scared.

It was very sweet until he hallucinated

father minded spending so much money on

theyre cold, theyre high, theyre

velvet box.

CUT TO:

Maggie smiles at Bob. Ike sighs and goes with it. Bob pulls Ike

PEGGY

without the bolts coming out of their

"Sink the putt."

thats the types of relationship you

So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh?

smiles as she walks in the front door and puts down her tool box

(yell)

A LITTLE LATER - CLOSE ON

Next BATTER hits one to deep left field and it lands in the grave

Ike swallows, overwhelmed, overjoyed, and scared shitless.

Ikes wrong. Maggie is already trying to open the first

doing business and crowded with WOMEN.

BOB

What kind of eggs did she like?

Peggy stops in her track. Maggie is sitting curled up in a salon

the dress and looking unbelievably gorgeous. She is overwhelming

MAGGIE

As Bob has been talking, Ike has been watching Maggies face.

Oh, but making up the facts as you go

We think so.

embarrassing, deviously plotting,

Reporter JULIE MURPHY stands near Grandma Julia and Mrs.

GILL

EXT. IKES HOTEL WINDOW - CONTINUOUS

out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and

at the high school. And he coaches the

Bolts.

abruptly holds out a rose boutonniere.

PEGGY (contd)

Im going to make this work, Fish. Im

IKE

ANGLE ON: MAGGIE

shampoos and hair dyes. Maggie gets an idea. Maggie and Peggy

You tell Maggie.

entrances. A PAPERBOY tosses a paper onto the lawn in front of

The Woman leaves the bar.

PRIEST/ BRIAN

Despite what you think, I dont do it

the trunk. Ill take you for a ride.

Oh, wait, my purse.

Whats this?

Good job, honey!

MRS. TROUT

from now on?

original recording. Hard to find in

Weird. Like after all those years you

"Paid vindication" Thats what I call

Its been our experience that anyone

closes the bathroom door. Ike is steaming. A BUMP sounds from

off happily in their wedding clothes. As the group cheers,

Ike notices Maggie is holding two coffees.

wedding trot.

guy today tried to end world hunger, if

IKE

MAGGIE

my calls.

No, no, dont mention my name in there.

On anything male that moves? As

wouldnt know real love if it bit him

See?

CINDY

No -- like -- Im having a problem with

you can believe that...

Hes an entomologist! I thought it was

only happens once in a lifetime. Its

Rub your ears.

forward or back, but the electricity is obvious.

moment to tell me this is fake.

"And her ritual feast continues as she

the ride of her life... Honey, tell em

Kevin, youve got some napkins?

Oh, my God -- Its Miles Davis. This

BOB

pastor.

He leaves.

PRIEST

GRANDMA JULIA

(nods)

He makes the bride figure repeatedly knock the groom figure in

The other dress is nice.

that geese thing. I think the "V" was

one or both oof us will want to get out.

sell wedding dresses.

Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors

MAGGIE

IKE

I was talking to the dog.

MAGGIE

Im really rooting for this one.

on a picnic.

made between 1924 and 1938. In other

BOB (contd)

IKE

Gonna bust out of another wedding?

comes to beauty parlor called "Curl Up and Dye". The place is

hundred pounds. I dont think her

MAGGIE

journalist. Im a truth teller.

FISHER

Its a Fall after-noon. A SUDDEN POUNDING OF GALLOPING HOOVES

opposite ends in their teeth. Grandma looks in.

(scoffs)

All right?

from the car.

The horse is frothing and wild-eyed, like the bride, who turns

Wait. We have to talk. We have to do

myself on that point.

IKE

sees and is stunned to find: MAGGIE, sitting on the couch

CUT TO:

(then, louder)

to make the hundred-yard dash.

Wait -- what was the ridiculous

He tripped on his shoelaces.

PEGGY

I see photos of a lot of dead writers

Maggie, dont marry Coach! Marry me.

gives Ike the once-over, focusing on the shoes.

Hes not coming. Watch. Hes not

I know. I think sometimes you just

ends up being another big city reporter

say or you can quote me, Im a glass

as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud.

Ya think?

leaving until you do.

MAGGIE

supportive. Something you wont

tractor maintenance rather than reading.

"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you

guy has a worthy accomplishment under his belt.

But Ike is too busy maintaining eye contact. His eyes urge

MRS. MURPHY

INT. IKES CAR - DAY

before her.

cinnamon rolls)

We overhear them murmuring in annoyed tones about the wedding

IKE

No, I couldnt fix anything...

A pre-wedding luau?

She starts throwing darts.

kiss that changes everything and can never be taken back. It is

looks at Mrs. Trout, suddenly nervous. She dashes out. Mrs.

And you are?

here.

going to do it!

Raises the bottle to Maggie.

article. There are fifteen."

pantheon: I would like to nominate for

Ike walks out of his apartment building talking on cell phone.

ANGLE ON: Bob comes outside.

PEGGY

He pleads into his friends answering machine as he walks.

woman I have ever laid eyes on.

Livid is good. So what is it, Maggie?

Gill takes off his guitar and sets it down.

her face, then she scampers back into the house.

They come up for air.

about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on

FISHER

trees.

microphone)

EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY

handle with the "HOT" still on it,

tip for the Bartender.

MEREDITH

PEGGY

wouldnt understand.

(then)

Im okay with that.

Hello, Peggy Phleming, "not the ice-skater".

No. Forget about it. Dont even think

And who are these lovely ladies?

in Spanish, then out stumbles GILL CHAVEZ, 34, wearing a grease-

Not that he doesnt deserve to get

GEORGE

IKE

IKE

goes off on dirt bike. The tape fast-forwards to the last of

away from Lee and turns smack into Ellie and Fisher. Ike puts

mood as she walks right in the house.

Pardon the mess. I havent cleaned

deceased, subheaded by "Walter" and there is one for "Brian",

ELLIE

Im the towns unofficial fitness

IKE

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

Peggy laughs.

the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,

PEGGY (contd)

Maggie is a bit melancholy as she works on her lamps.

fourth time today in Hale, Maryland.

city stretch out across the beautiful night. Ike looks out at

IKE

The Woman goes to her bar stool, gathering her bag and leaves a

She swallowed her gun.

dill. Same as me.

emerged with the conclusion that, yes

(eyes on Maggie)

him. And whatever yo do....

Ike snores. Maggie hits him.

ELLIE

the lights and turns and sees her friend, Maggie.

Maggie looks back once, tearful and regretful, and disappears

I think youd look good in red.

(in shock)

MAGGIE

Not to mention on the mind of Groom

me run! Why? Because youre a cynical,

Im happy here, where Im supposed to

Well -- Ive got to get moving -- lot

INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC) - NIGHT

(yelling to Peggy)

enough. He pushes himself to his feet. Walter is thrilled. He

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

(to Mrs. Trout)

Hmmm... Figuring out what kind of music

MAGGIE

Hi, Dennis.

Maggie closes the booth curtain and turns to Brian.

MAGGIE

know. What do you think?"

BRIAN

Itll be fun.

MAGGIE

Just like now. You are the most lost

(to Ike)

by leaving them at the altar."... I

about to watch you hang yourself again.

Tough to spend money in this town.

No, thats what makes you unemployed.

WALTER (contd)

Ike.

Ill give you a toast. To Maggies

BOB

Maggies the nicest person youll ever

me what to do.

No, hes no good. Too blond.

cant believe how much cake we were

there?

GEORGE

Maggie smiles cheerfully at Ike from the foot of the bed. He

MAGGIE

IKE

Ike chooses his words carefully.

Maggie has kicked it in the shins. It rears and bolts,

INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUING

and studded with multi-color gems.

Reporter JACKI and TIFFANY stand at the edge of the CROWD

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY

"HARDWARE HONEY GOES NUTS AND BOLTS"

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY

public arena.

Shes a cacophony of contradictions.

pulling for you.

about me is crying out for protection

fiance #4, is packing cans into a backpack. Bob, 38, has a

PEGGY

Drive! Drive! From your hips, get low,

IKE (V.O.)

PEGGY

of Maryland.

BOB (contd)

Have a seat. Peggy, why dont you give

MAGGIE

IKE

Everybody dance.

as grooms before she devours them. She

FISHER (contd)

Peggy enters and starts about her opening duties. She turns on

She climbs over the fence on her own and Ike follows. They see

PEGGY

A train goes by. A modest clapboard house with a porch. Two

New York fired.

Maggie.

(interrupting)

Its a thousand dollars.

Cmon. Lets go.

Establishing.

MAGGIE

-- sits on the kitchen counter. She ties them all.

FISHER

See? You want custody of my job? ...

family and friends. May you find

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

Stop it. When you talk like that, I

... Dont show him that picture of me

this way, she scampers out to the sidewalk to pick up her

headdress youre wearing.

Maggie "CHUFFAS" with Peggy and moves on.

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

tone like this in her voice before.

But Maggies whoop sails out above it all. Cory waves. But not

pulls down the front of his t-shirt.

You got something without a toy in it?

She proceeds down the aisle. Bob behind her.

MAGGIE

Ike stops the car where it is and jumps out, slamming the door in

IKE

Maggie goes over to Peggy and Cindy, and starts to get into her

Yes. Ive been here for thirty years.

down stairs.

That-a-girl! You sacked him.

(running; yells)

sink. While she does this...

looking Hawaiian Princess get-up. But her face reflects none

Walter gestures to a pile of video cassettes on the bookcase.

Not yet. I had a phlemless morning. I

charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet

Peggy hands him his jacket.

passing the upscale "Millennium Hardware Store". He glances at

IKE

Actually, I would love to come.

Like a bucket of water thrown on two dogs, Ike and Maggie are

No, no. I saw eight geese flying in a

them -- knew her at all. Each one was

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - NIGHT

(then, to Maggie)

Im not here to make you feel bad. Im

ANGLE ON:

tavern he talked to bartender at.

gathered under headings and subheadings. Parents "Mother"

She starts picking lint off his sleeve and buttons his cuff.

BOB

exercise. All the sports shrinks use

Ike winces.

What!?

wedding. Thats progress!

IKE

We see a hill and on top of it is a Pastor marrying Maggie and

Theyre both standing on the blocking sled. Wave after wave of

(picking up a

Graham into something you want to take

Im...

GEORGE

Bob has no answer. He reaches a hand down. He yelps as Maggie

Shes ripping them down, fast and furious, then shoves them in

Or a vegetarian?

Its okay. Theres no microphone.

Youre not trying to soften me up, are

Everest. Is that right?

The words are barely out of her mouth when Cindy comes out the

Mrs. Trout beams. Maggie understands his answer a little better.

Walter gets a bit laugh. He goes again.

She canned him, she canned him...

She turns to rush out, then stops herself.

IKE

IKE

making a speech welcoming the press to Maryland. A large GROUP

tattoo?

MAGGIE

"I guarantee that well have tough

And here we are at Bob. He proposed

and glances around for Ike, hating herself for it.

Peggy goes to her car. Cindy joins her as Bob speeds off in his

Walter cracks up.

space alien.

What? You talked to him! Did you tell

please?

She moves from the fireplace to a chair and sits.

from going outside to follow Maggie). Bob thinks about it.

(takes paper from

MAGGIE (contd)

The organ begins to play. The organist is Ted. Grandma, Walter,

MAGGIE (contd)

not be Maggies.

Polly, take Leslie into change.

her? A "man-eater", "a devouring death

sit with them.

fluid.

Ike, in beautiful wedding attire. We see Maggie walk down a

low...

tape.

MRS. PRESSMAN

A NEWSPAPER PHOTO

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - NIGHT

MAGGIE

LADY

They look at each other for a moment, then:

Ike finds Maggie in the crowd and leaves Dennis.

PEGGY

ANGLE ON:

Yes. But Ive changed my mind.

Thats it. Back to obedience school.

INT. MAGGIES LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER THAT DAY

Great.

Oh, Betty. I take it youre going to

My magazine doesnt pay because for

(throwing darts hard)

area, MUSICIANS plays. Ike laughs as he discovers that Maggie

Maintain eye contact.

then sits back down to watch.

Twice...

Look, hes in pretty good shape.

Hello. Im Fisher.

ELAINE

Yes, I did.

I suddenly forgot how to climb a fence.

To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.

IKE (contd)

be running because she gets attention...

journalism is literature in a hurry.

MAGGIE (contd)

serious reflection, from which I have

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - ANOTHER DAY

INT./EXT. THE INN HALE BAR -- DAY

sort of spaz-out with random excess

You look... uh... You look fine.

its actionable.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY

BOB

Too dark.

IKE

Wheres that homemade sunshine?

GRANDMA JULIA (V.O.)

(in amazement)

An OLDER WOMAN asks him if he plays bridge as he goes up the

Im just finishing up, too.

Its for the bell.

himself.

(beat)

Shes really found it.

IKE

TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a

(without turning to him)

Establishing. High angle wide shot of a bakery in Hale. Ike

IKE

counter.

It is a media circus including FOUR REPORTERS, Midday with

You can take your hands off your ears,

Pictures of the King and Queen.

play! Plato never got a book advance...

No you dont. You want a man who will

I take it the desk clerk is one of your

See, I cheer good. What is he, a cheer

IKE

she hears him.

Ike sits with a towel over his head as Peggy blow-dries the back

rose, and, Ill gladly hand it over.

(exasperated)

eighteen.

comes off in his hands. Maggie disappears down the steps of the

No. Im weird. Weird and mysterious

You dont know.

MAN

INT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - NIGHT

Radio City Music Hall concert --

all kinds of ridiculous questions.

We have the crescendo that leads to us

to look behind her in terror. The horses labored breathing

CUT TO:

No, shes talking about your hair.

EXT. MARYLAND HIGHWAY - DAY

IKE

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

"V".

Dont be nervous, Maggie. Let us

Ready?

the piano.

wedding. I dont think its good.

IKE

shes afraid of the wedding night.

away. All the things unspoken are now communicated -- the love,

Its hurting.

Yes, yes, Im sure I only did you good,

I didnt. And you being the one at the

IKE

humiliated enough already to last a

"But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer

with her fingers)

(clears his throat)

CUT TO:

this?

MAGGIE

Mrs. Trout hands Ike his items and he pays.

MAGGIE

go down the aisle with somebody you

got the Galloping Gourmet here?...

Maggies fiascoes.

follow me.

opposed to anything male that doesnt

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER

She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter

suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her

Order out like a Philistine, when you

loved it. And Im down here to satisfy

The turnout for this mornings wedding

his drink)

Ike sneezes. She looks down and imagines she sees the carpet

MAGGIE

resumes with her walk toward him. His face. Her face. His

The Woman gets up and begins throwing darts.

Swilling.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

IKE

CUT TO:

... And this is Maggies beer.

Ill have the same.

Do you think I flirt with Cory?

See you later, Mr. Travis.

ANGLE ON:

These are for you.

(walking past customer)

"Welcome to Hale."

out of film and goes to get more, leaving Peggy and Maggie alone.

Peggy recovers his face, then continues to fuss with the hair

IKE

cooked this story up and you know it.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

doing it since I was a kid. I dont

INT. ELLIES OFFICE OR APARTMENT - DAY

MAGGIE

(to Man)

your "Runaway Bride" T-shirts here...

BOB (contd)

my life now? -- Ikes going to turn

old ladies out of her way like the

Ike goes out on his terrace. He bounces a basketball. It

Ike goes over and takes the mannequin out of the window. Mrs.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Here. She may need this. Its not

ELLIE

If I ride off into the sunset, I want

very unique.

Tell me, why does Maggie need another

Its perfect.

know.

balloons behind them. A balloon hits Ike on the face. As he

equipment. They enter the flood of PEOPLE streaming inside the

George exits.

ELLIE

IKE

Maggie. Bob lights up at the sight of her.

IKE

IKE

I love you, too.

CUT TO:

know Ive had too much to drink.

Im going to go dance with Bob.

CLOSE ON: A tape. It reads: "Maggie I, II, III." Ikes

Oh yeah! I happen to know from

whites only.

You humiliated me!

Ive witnessed far more treacherous and

MR. WHITTENMEYER (contd)

WOMAN

calls out to her affectionately as she passes. One of them,

I love his eyes. I just believe

I kissed him back.

Eye contact. Eye contact.

Yeah... Oh, Jay... Okay... Bye.

story. I made a mistake.

good!

ON TV: IT SAYS, "GEORGE SWILLING WEDDING".

Ike drives down picturesque Main Street. He passes Hale

of the couch)

Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same

"MAGGIE SAYS I DONT"

You really want to let that man drag

aware of it and that it hurts peoples

No, the other one.

(pleasantly)

Snakes? Are you serious? I dont like

IKE (contd)

ANGLE ON:

of reporters head up the churchs stairs, hauling their

barber chair. She tightens a screw and looks up, satisfied.

minds of these several hundreds folks,

(to herself)

Before Maggie can finish, Ike intercepts her.

PEGGY

with the others. Bob raises his glass like the good sport he is.

necks. Its all very "Night of the

your own, like Bob, if hes the one.

But you dont have a really superb idea!

Its a little "Silence of the Lambs"

IKE

They like the idea, but my hands are

MAGGIE

in the armpit! And all you do is tear

Ah, come on. They deserve it. They

then she gets down on one knee.

MAGGIE (contd)

With the priest, you liked them

She begins ripping many of other post-it off the picture frame.

Brian smiles mischievously.

empathetic silence, seeing that Peggy is truly hurt.

IKE

a kiss you only get once in your life.

Walter cracks up, Maggie shoots Ike a look. He smiles back.

Do you have the ring?!

Best of luck in you upcoming marriage!"

Looking for Maggie.

Really?

Not bad. I was traveling around

Thats not nothing to do with it. You

Im too loaded.

I hope you have a different angle.

down by the dugout.

WIDE SHOT:

her from every direction. The tiny figure of Ike stands like a

Because you cant make me feel bad.

Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.

For a thousand bucks.

TED

Youre all ready for football season,

George. He proposed at a butterfly

Nice guys, but he lives with his mom...

guys in bars are good. It means

nefarious exits than that. At least

Hes a nice looking and gentle man. Thwww.99lib.netey regard each other for a

Lighten up, wahine.

BOB

ELLIE

FISHER

Its early morning. Mrs. Pressman hands Peggy a cup of coffee

His hair... any color.

Theyre like Frankenstein monsters, but

BOB

Maggie moves the lever on the wall again, sending Ike back up to

Same as you said. What did you call

No... Theyre interesting guys. Each

Pretty good speech, Maggie.

Peggy takes a small sip off her soda.

Maggie stops her walk, gives Ike a teasing smile, and then

IKE

ELLIE

INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS

Here, you need this more than me.

CUT TO:

IKE

reputation and you screwed up my hair.

Too much.

spine.

out of his pocket)

IKE

DENNIS CHUFFA: About Bart Starr and football. (Which keeps Bob

If you were imagining me, you did great.

Maybe we both grew up.

GILL

MAGGIES POV:

"To be fair, the man-eater isnt

start up a conversation with a woman in

It happens to be how I feel.

IKE

that you did to the last three. Youre

You have to go down an aisle and say "I

FADE IN

boost over the top. We see the flicker of misunderstanding cross

material, try and get a rise out of her

(emotional)

Ike walks along sidewalk, crosses street, enters his building.

Sports psychology. It was my major in

that way.

and walks off with her children. The T-shirt Vendor goes back

impassive as stone.

carnival scene. Cindy sits with Maggie as she leans forward,

little "come on" motions. It seems to be working. Maggie

Thank you.

PEGGY

About a minute...?

man?

IKE (contd)

Ike moves to the Bartender and pays him.

Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze-

Whered you get this done?

scrambled. With the Dead Head, fried.

CUT TO:

I want revenge. I want to destroy this

INT. CHURCH - CONTINUING

IKE

and wets his hair. She grabs various hair coloring products.

MAGGIE

Come here, Mag, and try this on.

being Maggie. Theres a tremor in her voice.

MAGGIE

(tenderly)

And end up in the papers? Ive been

No, you dont understand.

Maggie quickly turns around and pulls down the back of her shirt,

Is that how you proposed when you asked

(hangs up, then to Fisher)

go in the Tri-County area. A little FLOWER GIRL, 10, is being

reimbursement for the dress yet?

and Ted) do the limbo. Walter, Mrs. Pressman doesnt turn as

MAGGIE

Both Maggie and Ike are breathing hard. Bob comes up to Maggie

(to Ike, handing him a jacket)

Hes here! Hes here!

IKE

ON IKESTV

scrambled, poached, sunny-side up, Benedict, soft boiled, etc

Cindy does her own nails as Mrs. Pressman scratches off lottery

Mrs. Pressman. No relation.

(sarcastically)

IKE

lamp idea in New York.

A big wholesome man, CORY, runs for first base. He just beats

IKE

Ike retreats into the church. Lee comes up to him again with his

BOB

IKE

Amazing. Found industrial stuff.

MAGGIE

inspire one of those potential bitter

PEGGY

difficulty, Maggie straightens up and they both quickly remove

He is not!

MAGGIE (contd)

George was doing!

ass...

Gill. Of course. He proposed at the

(belligerently)

Maggie move to TV. She picks up Ikes stolen post-it notes and

So Ive come to see it as a bonus,

occasionally with one eye.

she leaves. Ike hangs up. He gets up to pick up the remote and

He closes the closet and crosses to his desk.

on sunny Main Street, USA. KIDS ride by on bikes, streaming

romantic, sexy. Maggie and Ike can be seen in the reflection.

That was funny.

And where you ever really going to run

She gathers her dress and jumps in as Ike yells from window,

SHERIFF, POLICE CHIEF and MAIL MAN, all playing instruments as

Got any last minute advice?

IKE

INT. DINNING ROOM/MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

were never going to get... They just

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

sugar and water is going to turn like

Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed

Six-fifty.

ANGLE ON:

guys life, career, everything. On the

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

MAGGIE

Out of the corner of his eye, Ike sees a pictures of Christ on the

FISHER (V.O.)

Peggy joins Maggie, who is blowing bubblegum and swaying in

Well, the groom just pulled up. There

You know, when I only see one dog, I

Youre tensing.

my life when you left me standing at

My mother wanted me to become a

My dad managed a business and two

And Ike?

The names Maggie. It wasnt this side

INT. MAGGIES ROOM - DAY

helps run the family hardware store."

entomologist, right? Hows business?

Hey -- I found it!

in front of the hotel. LEE AND CORY CHUFFA: About where Peggy

FISHER

BOB

church steps.

You have one?

writes has got to have a happy ending,

He starts drinking it. ON THE FIELD, Cory is getting ready to

the shop owner. Hes starting to see that its no always easy

And the wedding date. Theres the two

IKE

Ike jogs alongside of Maggie on her bike. Maggie parks her bike

CUT TO:

care about Mount Everest?

MAGGIE

Your job is... the ring.

Be careful of snakes.

BOB

(into phone)

revealing the top of her back and a pristine expanse of skin. No

(putting down the oranges)

beacon a long way off.

(admitting)

MAGGIE

Hes the one... Hes the one.

Good luck, Maggie.

Hey, honey!

these industrial parts and you do

MAGGIE

letter "V".

Maggie smiles tenuously. Shes more than a little terrified.

No -- the Bobsters eyes are closer set.

PEGGY

IKE

holding Italics, the cat.

enveloped by a barrage of bright lights.

bliss.

(to the mother)

print that hurt our feelings, like that

football team. And hes climbed

moments of my life. Cal Ripken even

EXT. NEW YORK STREET/FISHER AND ELLIES BUILDING - DAY

INT. THE TROUT BAKERY - CONTINUOUS

It reads: "SHOWS NO REMORSE".

MAGGIE

FADE IN

Hey, Ike, when are you going to put me

(reading letter)

I love eggs Benedict. I hate all the

IKE

accessories while I get this ready,

school class. A lot of KIDS And TEACHERS are doing religious

GILL

Yes, Mrs. Pressman.

town in Maryland, a sleepy little

DRUNK MAN

Sitting in front of Inn Hale Bar, we see the BARTENDER

Shoot ours so she has one with an

... The facts will be read someday.

down at the record in his hand. Somehow it makes him sad.

Poached, just like me.

MAGGIE (contd)

Trout announces. Hula dancers stop.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

In front of beauty salon, Maggie follows Ike out.

MAGGIE

uncomfortable accusation has plunged me

the wedding? Shes already done this.

In other words -- hes only human. An

EXT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - THE NEXT DAY

(turning to Maggie)

Maggie talks to Peggy, Cindy and Grandma Julia. Grandma Julia

columnists are supposed to do. This is

and making a "V"

(to Ike)

EXT. HALE MAIN STREET - DAY

Its nice that theyre still friends.

You wont believe what Im looking at,

Because hes the man.

Thanks.

often mistaken for rightness.

Everest.

Peggy moves to the salon mirror near Maggie with her cup of

IKE

After they rub Maggies ears a bit:

to go. Im closing up. Heres a candy

IKE

(pulling up a chair

MAGGIE

He walks into the chapel.

Am I right? Well? Am I right?

youve seen me at my worst, most

unsteadily, lifting his pineapple.

out.

-- I traffic in female stereotypes."

is four.

IKE

the altar...

He follows him.

MAGGIE

PEGGY

Who?

maybe Vegas will give odds on her. Im

(taps his chest)

Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of

I dont blame you for being mad...

Ike and Maggie sit in the steaming car for a moment.

something amazing with it.

back into writing feature pieces

dont even know what that means. Now

Te ladies shake his hand and introduce themselves.

Is there anything I can do to make it

MAGGIE

Ike sits at the bar speaking to an attractive Woman nearby, a

Visualize! Visualize! Its game time.

Yes, I am. And who are you?

father -- dead drunk.

Of course we are. Of course.

Whats this?

MAN

to say.

IKE

There are shouts of "Hear hear!" Walter roars.

BOB

She tries to recall.

suddenly remembers something and grabs the veil off her head.

get low, get low. Next!

MRS. TROUT

MAGGIE

(handing him the

your own. What are you doing, Maggie?

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

(grabbing the

IKE

looking cinnamon rolls.

WOMAN

Im not worried about you and Cory or

anger. The REPORTERS swarm around him as he gets out of the car.

IKE

IKE

romantic!

IKE

Limousine, talking to a CHAUFFEUR. He goes up to her.

inside the truck. The truck races off.

We see others get the news.

MAGGIE

and on. Peggy loses control and screams.

musician. 0 for two. But at least

Mr. Graham.

Picture this, if you will. A small

He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a

wake you up at dawn because hes

(then to Ike)

a bar, attack her choice of reading

They ad lib various words starting with the letter "V". Maggie

Hallelujah.

If you guys are here any longer,

She points to the dress. She smiles back to Mrs. Whittenmeyer,

having a daughter with problems. But

Ever thought of that?

(confesses)

know. Not seven like they said.

They are in the church proper now. Peggy waits in a pew as Bob

sings and plays "Ripple".

Cindy and Peggy nod and leave. The door closes.

Ike is restless. He stands up.

Maggies face at the initial contact. Neither of them moves --

A little longer for me.

next.

Walter passes out on the front seat.

No thanks.

TOWNSPEOPLE stand so Ike can hurry through the pew. Ike climbs

Maggie leads her to the front window.

Its a birthday present for my cousin.

She whacks him with a newspaper, then shakes his hand.

fearsome female was known as Erinys,

INT. IKES CAR - LATE DUSK TO NIGHT

This is wonderful. You reconfigure all

MAGGIE

CINDY

jokes, so we didnt...

Ike, who takes the bar stool next to him.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Its locked. He starts to pound on the door.

Vendor calls out to him.

DENNIS

MAGGIE

(then to the girl)

Maggie swipes for the photo, but Ike is faster at pulling it away.

IKE

Look, Aunt Bea, were buying this

EXT. HALE STREET - DAY

photograph hes holding.

Are you all right with this?

Dont say "spec" like its a dirty word.

(reads)

All true. All accurate.

something silly like accuracy in

Well rub.

IKE

Dennis poses with Maggie. Cory poses with Bob. Mrs. Trout runs

JULIE MURPHY (Channel 6)

Listen: "Dear Ms. Carpenter, I

MAGGIE

museum.

EXT. IKES CAR - CONTINUING

the shop.

ELLIE

to complete her fourth wedding ceremony.

video.

into formal.

Splendid dissection of Maggie Carpenter,

Holy moly.

secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile.

All right, I know youre in there...

Maggie thinks about this for a moment. She takes a deep breath.

is cooking an elaborate breakfast. Ellie rushes around getting

No. I call it like I see it. Im a

an old guy, LIONEL, whittling on a porch.

So, what are you doing here?

school football team, popping up from a low position near the

and for a grand I will answer all your

on. Maggie clings to the reins. She looks as though she is

and to watch everything.

(calming)

Ike touches her hand to examine the ring more closely. Her

His cat sits on the windowsill.

Youre coming here?

Let me have the garden omelette. Egg

wedding rehearsal and two days before

at Cory. Now Maggie sees what hes getting at.

(laughing)

his tape recorder

Cindy, come on.

(shocked)

might show up here and start asking you

Ike drives up and parks in front of the hotel as he talks on his

have plenty of time before her next

ANGLE ON:

women... very often.

Pressman: "Holy moly". Call me later.

BARTENDER

(then)

No, no.

WALTER

MAGGIE

IKE

Maggie turns on Ike with "cheerful" hostility.

And its the quality that counts.

know, hes giving eight to one odds she

Ike turns and puts the clipping up on the mirror.

Kamahamela outfit. Maggie is spectacular in her authentic

MAGGIE

your eggs.

MAGGIE

Maybe she hasnt read the paper...

BOB (contd)

IKE

IKE

BOB (contd)

is looking very interested.

WALTER

Innocent girls are terrified of "the

May the gifts be returned!

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Maggie seethes.

(stepping closer

We hear Hawaiian music. We see a truck with GUESTS drive up and

MRS. MURPHY

Why?

BOB

(to Maggie)

WALTER

away. During the video, Ike scribbles: "Gill Chavez". Maggie

Ike turns slightly, giving the man his back.

close to Maggie.

Here, Maggie. I think this makes the

doesnt bounce. He sits on the steps of the patio an stares.

LOU TROUT

source.

at a much more relaxed, hipper, backyard wedding. It says,

FISHER

after her. Mrs. Pressman and Walter exchange bet money.

IKE

Since when does Ellie need moral supp--

(seeing Peggy)

(disappointed)

heads for the door.

an hour and twenty-seven minutes and

through the air towards the hands of

attempt.

DENNIS

PASSERSBY stare at Ikes hair and giggle.

Mags?

MAGGIE (contd)

EXT. ANOTHER STREET - DUSK

The phone rings. Te Bartender answers it as Ike sits back on

He steps carefully into the field, then hops gingerly toward Maggie.

times. I guarantee that at some point

"BRIDE TAKE RIDE"

Getting nervous?

Yes, you!

anything male that moves.

Would it?

He was never one of her... I mean, they

IKE

IKE

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

CUT TO:

In vino veritas.

CINDY

IKE

GEORGE

TIME CUT: A FEW MINUTES LATER:

An OLD WOMAN walks by and hits him with a newspaper. Ike is

Youll never guess who came crawling

someday.

They play ping-pong. They laugh, enjoying the moment.

diatribes at the opposite sex! This

(beat)

...

He starts to leave with his bag. Mrs. Trout stops him.

He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellies office.

(relieved)

We see the Carpenters backyard. It is Gill and Maggies

MAGGIE

Like a general, he points to Dennis and Cory in the back and

I mean, Jack Dempsey lost his

But the most interesting thing here is

Kid agrees. Ike puts the hat on and starts to cross the street.

cookies.

(then, continues

calm down, you wont get your dress on...

a shoe-string. She rushes into: KITCHEN WHERE BOB KELLY,

Used?

(after sitting)

Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me

Mr. Whittenmeyer. Hi, Polly!

Theyre mine. Im turning in my

IKE

that I dont see the rose tattoo that

carryout. He opens the door and walks into his apartment. He

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK

Maggie loved that thing!" And I could

newspaper. Ike is stunned as she walks off. He turns to a MAN

removes the towel. His hair is divided into equal parts and

what happened? Did I just not see

ready for work. He is on the phone to Ike.

Me, either.

No sauntering down the aisle. Just

FISHER

IKE

his bar stool. Ike grabs the womans magazine that she left on

MAGGIE

There it is on Gills chest: the rose tattoo. Maggie sighs,

INT. FISHER AND ELLIES KITCHEN (NYC) - DAY

MAGGIE (contd)

gasket, just put in a little hydraulic

All the gory details.

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - LATER THAT MORNING

and with a first person interview, you

PEGGY

IKE

paint machine.

town. I jus had to come warn you he

PEGGY

ELLIE

IKE (contd)

Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk

article on limousines. What would you

Maggie gives her a look.

MAGGIE

her, reads)

was....

and beckons her to a copy of Ikes column affixed to a mirror.

Fine. The newspapers upside down.

(no response)

(cheerful)

He walks away from the t-shirt table towards the bar. The

the straps of the backpack.

actually shooting the camera, but rather supervising it.

Like a moth to a flame.

Immediately, Cory and Dennis open the doors for her entrance.

EXT. CHURCH DRIVEWAY - CONTINUING

dyed orange and red.

IKE (contd)

Ike and Maggie have fun playing cards. The game is slapjack.

(to Maggie)

doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

PEGGY

POLLY

sitting there laughing at me. Pick up.

her soul seems to shine through in tat single frame. As Ike

(delicate)

you what to do. And someone will tell

BARTENDER

It is Maggies turn to enter. They all turn expectantly. Too

theyre not driving.

ANGLE ON:

IKE

Look, look, man. I think the man is

MRS. TROUT

She has a tape?

BRIAN

Im not gonna show you guys anything.

IKE

Bob lets go and Maggie FALLS BACKWARD, disappearing behind the

MAGGIE

Maggie adjusts her face as best she can.

stop by.

NEWSPAPER MONTAGE:

MAGGIE

up with their conversation. Maggie is still al steamed up.

Peggy turns off the fan. Cindy takes the bag from Maggie.

(wincing)

IKE

apologize to you for this unfortunate

MAGGIE

Ike watches with regret as Maggies child-like enthusiasm

(breaking the

as the front!

Im glad its you.

What kind of Dead Head gets a temporary

with lead!

Peggy sits in the salon chair next to Maggie.

hippie-type wedding ensemble. She walks with her father to a

Aloha. Thats a very fetching

MAGGIE

Yep. I want him to be front and center

sends them into action. The doors shut in Maggies face. But

Good night.

INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUING

PEGGY

newspaper)

(to Maggie)

"Gill", and "Bob". Maggie smiles and shakes her head. She rips

... Or... furious.

cell phone.

As the truck rounds the bend in the road and disappears, Ike

MAGGIE

Hey.

on the counter. All sizes and colors, some attached to brides,

Im sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.

sex, I do need to broaden my horizon

If you go quietly, Ill get you

IKE (contd)

in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.

Maggie dances affectionately with Bob as Mr. Trout, tending

Sure.

EXT. IKES CAR - COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

a knitting needle with me into the bed...

Id say youve been in the sun too long.

Hello, Maggie. I just came by to

Maggie walks up to the front desk of the hotel, where Lee is

MAGGIE (contd)

He steps over to Maggie in the doorway.

MAGGIE

Peggy moves to help Cindy with the dress. Maggie stands alone at

Ike standing at her work table. An automatic cappuccino maker

Id rather not.

Oh, yes, you can. Shes has em all on

MAGGIE

CINDY

that sells shampoo... Strong shampoo?

losing a daughter..." Well, Id like to!

Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.

So am I.

She becomes what she thinks they wanted

IKE (contd)

along is ethical? Actually, I meant

ANGLE ON BOB AND IKE

Excuse me?

Maggie!

the ass.

TIMES OUT:

Is this dress for sale?

growling)

Neither one can believe what theyre reading.

he goes onto the stage and sets the models in their positions.

God bless you, Maggie.

Youre going to be very disappointed.

smirking, checking out the hicks, forming their stories for

standing together on the other side of the field.

drinking.

IKESPOV:

and all the things we do to drive men

brushes rotate.

miniature bride)

"Gill Chavez Wedding". He hits the fast-forward button

IKE

LOU TROUT

The brush-off.

you want to call it -- problems in the

out of there before the race... before

MAGGIE

GEORGE

I didnt cook up a story. I had a

(putting on jacket;

then, I mean, now... I cant imagine...

how far shell have to go.

(sighs)

about that slime-ball reporter being in

malice aforethought."

(as he pays)

GEORGE

kids. And I think now that you are

best you.

Thats right. Youre so lost you dont

Meredith and the T-shirt Vendor. Plus three other people the

GRANDMA JULIA

the years, it is now Toast Time! First

Wherever it is, shell be there by ten-

with lots of candy in his pockets. If

Priest Brian hears about Maggies wedding.

of his head. His back is to the mirror, his body faces Maggie.

IKE

IKE

that the drum set was a blood-sucking

ELLIE

You know, your daughter seems...

MAN (contd)

Honey, your grandmother and I were

ELLIE (contd)

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

IKE

crosses to hang his coat in the closet. In the closet mirror, he

Youve been here for three minutes.

How romantic.

IKE

Yes.

is nervous.

elbowing you in the subway, stealing

force today.

factual misrepresentations in your

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

BOB (contd)

(motioning to their eyes)

got more juicy material than I need.

I know. Gene Tunney.

If youre looking for Elm Street, its

INT. ELLIES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Netta. Your teas getting cold.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

(then, sitting)

Well -- Im sorry, Im really sorry,

Grateful Dead-type music. He makes an introductory speech.

PEGGY

informercials that are always on.

PEGGY

(then to Ike)

Well come back on the air when the

column, but I can do this assignment.

Ill get the dress.

IKE

IKE

IKE (contd)

Yes. Conviction. Conviction that Im

tremulous steps slowly with her eyes closed, peeking

Its a night like any other in Hale -- the regular order of

Maggies showing Ike engagement rings.

Maggie nods,

anything.

MRS. TROUT

is usually reserved for royalty or

he sniffs and looks around the room, instantly knowing something

your check clears.

Maggie shoots Ike an accusing look, walks up to him in the

mean, the right way. Soon as I turn

we deliberately abandon fiances with

(sliding along

shes a wild animal cornered. She moves to the side. The

piece, and since I do freelance stuff

the newspaper clipping.

MAGGIE

A buzz.

INT. LOBBY/ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY

This is not a good sign.

Tootaloo.

Ike looks at her again.

We hear Grandma as through the hotel doors, we see Maggie exit

Good morning to you, too. You look good.

TIME CUT:

Scowling, he writes out the check and hands it to her. Maggie

the only one for me"

Okay, you were right. I hated my

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - CONTINUING

Maggie and Bob pose for pictures with some of the guests.

ELLIE

She returns to the balcony and hands him the box.

Ike... Hi, Grandma.

Its fun! Its high.

"Nothing but net."

"Dear Editor..."

Dennis exits. Maggie is alone. She turns out the lamp she

IKE

Ike continues walking now in the full panic of writers block.

Completely.

hasnt read this yet.

"JOURNALIST WRITTEN OFF"

about it.

Then youve got it. If you leave

finishes reading the last note, leans back, puts her feet up on

not mine. Did you get the

WOMAN

Bob turns and leaves, going down a side staircase.

Maggie flies toward a FedEx truck at next house just leaving.

Why do YOU think she ran?

They both nod and sit there smiling, sort of. The organist, Ted,

INT. IKES HOTEL BATHROOM - CONTINUING

Hey, Fisher, pick up. I have some

(lightly)

Maggies letter.

start the music up.

Ike laughs. Maggie looks at him with rage. Gill dramatically

MAGGIE

didnt come here to see Ike Junior.

I like and then finding me a rare album.

IKE (contd)

with you as to why youre such a pain in

Just stop it. Dont say another word

for G.Q., Im in a different position

That must have made you proud.

Lets go.

expression on the faces of her friends.

drives by the bar and sees this.

wouldnt attempt the impossible.

Theres one thing we New Yorkers know

Ike drives through Hale gobbling french fries from the fast food

IKE

EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

"Wake up with ballplayer"?

today.

my heart -- youre the only one for me".

the living room from the balcony.

I think Im in Maryberry.

same team now. Any more fighting and

IKE

going next.

you -- you knew the real me.

Maggie kneels, hands folded reverently. The booths grate opens

close, he slurs.

IKE

MAGGIE

Flags hang on all the storefronts and the place sparkles with

So?

So, what do you want to know?

MRS. TROUT

Jerry. Hed play. Hed play... Jerry

FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.

(as she exits)

Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other

An uncomfortable silent pause. Ike breaks the moment.

INT. MAG九九藏书GIES WORKROOM - LATER

PEGGY

your drivers license...

He picks up one of the many logos on the counter. Each boasts a

CINDY

JACKI/REPORTER #3 (WBOC TV16)

idea.

used this one before... Brian. But I

No, Im sure he doesnt.

PEGGY

(then)

IKE

Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.

(to Fisher)

Let me explain something. The fact is,

Maggie and Ike horseback riding. They sit on their horses

church. Ike snaps.

MR. PAXTON

hopes and the brides feet be filled

Cory approaches.

IKE

Okay.

matter. Ike Grahams column will no

that whole turn-the-other-cheek concept.

pretty good guitar player. And this

EXT. FIELD - DAY

eye on the ball.

Is this your preferred logo?

eight times. Right at the altar she

MAGGIE

Thats called changing your mind.

FISHER

MAGGIE

That needed to be said. You know --

not very flattering to me either. So,

into town with his tail between his

very professional job.

Ah, cant stay away from her, can you?

her in the fourth quarter.

(sticking it to Ike)

its fifteen minutes in the penalty box.

It wouldnt be a bad way to get you

Ra ta ta ta. Yabada dabada. I now

IKE

love-birds later.

of paper)

(heartfelt)

turns away and look out over the guests.

(still inside

running joke...

The Man comes out of the mens room reading the USA Today,

IKE

(grinning)

(checking pack)

Yeah.

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

Ike is still in bed. He slowly blinks awake, stretches, and is

so bad.

IKE (contd)

introspection, I have been accused

Maggie may not be Hales longest

IKE

the glass doors)

A BAND plays for two hula dancers. The Trouts had decorated it

Ike is taken aback.

Ike enters the bar. The Woman drops the shirt she was holding

and Cory)

STOP!

Im going to give you a chance to write

Ike crouches to see Maggie on the floor just as she rises to her

... I hate big weddings with everybody

thoughts. I mean, really bad thoughts

... Just call me when you have it.

If you came down here in the pursuit of

IKE

but they didnt see her. And she never

INT. IKES CAR - LATER THAT DAY

with some sort of gewgaw on his loafers

BOB

Thief!

CUT TO:

Rude...

the feel of the sand under your feet.

across a field. Its quicker.

Excellent.

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

I found this and didnt know if it was

Not eight...

"Still, we cannibalistic queens can get

Mrs. Pressman stands, shooting Ike with her video camera.

Her foot inches forward. The other follows.

INT. BEAUTY SALON - NIGHT DAY

MAGGIE

say to people who never had a chance to

(sarcastically)

PEGGY (contd)

MAGGIE

drinks wine, Ike wears a hat.

IKE

the groom.

POLLY

(to Peggy)

you tickle him, hell give candy.

to let your opponent throw you off

EXT. MAIN STREET/BEAUTY PARLOR - NEXT DAY

MAGGIE

quickly. Peggy gives Ike a wink and an encouraging smile.

MAGGIE

the reporters room. I want to snoop

Now dont get upset.

Maggie stays amused.

I was, because if you said "yes" right

returns to the balcony and takes Maggies hand.

ELAINE

You dont need an air conditioner, Earl,

MAGGIE

FISHER

Really?

CINDY

your game.

Ike sings and taps along in tempo on the side of the car as Gill

IKE

MAGGIE

Okay. So... what, uh... What just

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Ike gets up and moves to the dart board. He removes the darts.

Ikes neighbor, Harvey, sits reading near his window.

Fisher doesnt like the sound of this. He glances at Ellie, who

crosses the street, he mutters into his tape recorder:

think shes going to make it all the

The Bartender gives him cocktail napkins and a pen. Ike starts

IKE

BOB

MAGGIE

".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."

MAGGIE

getting it all wrong. That wont

(to Maggie)

-- Scrambled, with salt, pepper and

lead you down the beach with his head

(to Peggy)

like, "So, uh -- maybe we should, ya

more, are here, milling around wit tropical drinks garnished

MAGGIE

Humiliating you is what everyone else

Armani wire rims, Donna Karan bodysuits. Theres a lot of

The woman goes into the confessional booth to wait.

IKE

(sarcastic)

MAGGIE

MRS. TROUT

Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender.

Maggie puts her hands up.

ANGLE ON: Ike. His conflicted feelings are apparent. With

and starts throwing darts.

interview me.

the most boisterous.

Gotta tell you this about my daughter.

But then her feet gradually begin to slow.

for the force out. The women jump and cheer -- Maggie, again,

Because you think Im all like... "Hey

Agreed.

They made me put my hat back on.

wants or Im coming back here with a

Well, Im off. A reporters work is

near the staircase to cut her off. He grabs her veil and it

MAGGIE (contd)

She joins Ike at the piano. Ike gets serious.

BOB

Maggie lowers her voice, hoping to lessen the humiliation of the

going to be hard to get over. There

I dont know yet. Im kind of a last-

PEGGY

You creeps! I should disinvite you!

I dont and I dont think you should...

FISHER

Of Ikes stunned face on the cover of the USA Today. The caption

Fisher and Ellie are exercising. Fisher is on a cycle machine.

ELLIE

sitting there gathering dust.

MAGGIE

off...?

ideas for your column from life. You

something interesting.

going to wait to hear what the pros say.

MAGGIE

FISHER

The wind rustles the endless field of corn, blows over the

times. I guarantee that at some point

Imagine! Maggie Carpenter topless in a

Ikes car drives into Hale, passing a billboard reading,

MAGGIE

beautiful dress and anything else she

MAGGIE

little wild, a little goofy. Some guests (Bob, Cindy, Cory, Lee

IKE (contd)

Ike walks up to his door, carrying his mail and a bag of

Go talk to the pastor and hell tell

(false modesty)

(to Mrs. Trout)

Maggie is sitting, end of a long day. Peggy sticks her head in

your many admires... I knew I should

bleachers and sits next to him.

Im the only goddamn person in there

She turns and walks back to the diner where Mrs. Pressman is

Maggie takes a plate and exits.

Maggie regards her former fiance with patient warmth.

So what do you think?

Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a

PEGGY

are. Im the luckiest man alive.

goddess."

time I step out my front door I meet

HULA DANCERS through barn slats.

that tattoo stuff into a big deal --

cabinet affixed to the wall above sink, which holds various

A spectacular dress fills the small window. Its beautiful,

galloping off with the bride. Ike FREEZE FRAMES the tape on an

Im writing an article, Im getting

Maggie?

Done.

Ike smiles at Maggie and exits.

Bob rushes after Maggie.

MRS. PRESSMAN

MAGGIE

(to Cindy)

Bob is making her visualize the

PEGGY

I havent seen him in twenty-four hours.

onto the truth. Youre going to do the

THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR makes Maggie jump. She flees to

Maybe someday.

Neuter a locust, feed the world.

What do you think? Good idea, right?

I can get some tools over there.... and

Does it matter?

Trout imitates Ike bamming the bride and groom, laughing.

the citizens of Hale are out in full

IKE

and goes in.

Well, Im writing another article on

guaranteed to fit any American Standard

Maggie stops ringing the bell and pulls herself together. She

Thats Maggies seat...

(boasting)

I left four messages. You dont return

Several cars, including a yellow jeep-like car up on a hydraulic

Elevator doors open. Ike and Fisher exit and walk towards the

How could I be angry at you when

He now walks down the charming main artery of the town, looking

CUT TO:

I dont know, give me a minute.

pot. Besides, Im comfortable with Ike.

(into phone)

this is funny?

MAGGIE

EXT. LARGE GREEN FIELD - DAY

Ike smiles at Maggie enigmatically as he picks up his order and

Ike leaves. Bob calls after him.

No. No, you didnt.

To Maggies satisfaction, Ike shoots Bob a look of begrudging

her shoulder bag.

IKE

BOB (contd)

Ike notices that hes been sewn to the veil.

Ike watches as Maggie takes the heat, raising her glass along

(holding Maggies face)

Right, Maggie? Focus on Maggie. Focus

IKE

MAGGIE (contd)

its the rudest and most offensive...

... At an Orioles game.

MAGGIE

(good-natured)

turns around and runs like hell.

Besides, Im a columnist. This is what

Good job, gentlemen... Special teams.

him the special treatment that

MAGGIE

IKE

Sunday, and youre just trying to make

that I dont realize hes writing

Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...

"MAG" is on the side. The machine shakes as it steams the

honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers

No. Youre quirky. Quirky and weird

target. May you be publicly flogged

Im sorry, I dont know any people like

MAN

Ike talked to before, is sitting on a stool, nursing his drink.

BOB

the aisle? I was walking toward

(steps to Mrs. Pressman)

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - ANOTHER DAY

(glances at list)

heartbroken.

(irritably)

IKE

INT. MAGGIES KITCHEN - DAY

No. You take it.

food is greasy and good, Mrs. Pressman is the waitress, and the

that I was never serious about Gill,

bar and one for your brother.

IKE

shows Maggie some passages from his favorite books. Hes

Yeah, we need a half and nine-

heads out the window. The window is wide enough.

MAGGIE

IKE

Number #4, ex-USA Today columnist, Ike

FISHER (V.O.)

(stammering)

INT. CHURCH FOYER - CONTINUING

ANGLE ON:

Ike rocks imperceptibly, urging her on. Peggy and Cindy make

yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never

been friends our whole lives. But

car.

nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads

We HEAR Ike slamming his body against the bathroom door.

BOB

dont you realize hes writing another

IKE

PEGGY

you up Annapuma on your honeymoon? You

wait another minute to find out what

car. Now Ike takes Peggys place next to Maggie. Maggie turns

Ellie hands Ike Maggies list.

No, about her getting that asshole from

"I guarantee that well have tough

Im sorry.

MAGGIE

BOB

Dennis takes the candy and starts to go.

ANGLE ON:

walks into the aisle looking a little shaky. She takes a few

Fisher, let him talk.

novelist. More?

"MAG" is on them. He smiles and walks on.

not going to want to miss it.

(as he gets up)

through KIDS.

No, its humiliating and youve been

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM/INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC)

MAGGIE

For what reason? Some personal

questions for a while.

done this before. They make it to the head of the aisle all too

IKE

Ike sits and leans over to George.

Where?

narrows his eyes at her.

the rest of my life. Because I know in

MRS. PRESSMAN

We are friends, arent we, Fisher?

Emma and I were only blessed with one

of music did you like... Did you ruin

IKE

another article, then hes an idiot.

JULIE MURPHY

MRS. PRESSMAN

Well, they should. Because theyre

as a little slice of Hawaii. There are tiki lights, numerous

IKE (o.s.)

man-eater?

fired... Look! Corys going for

for all of your bad choices and may

Cory as he runs for second base and with a slide beats the throw

IKE

Shhhh! The man has ink!

Hollywood stars, but Maggie Carpenter

CINDY

Maggie walking.

apologize to your family.

article about me?

and parks. He gets out and speaks into his tape recorder.

BOB

Peggy sits in the chair. Maggie spins her around and around.

PEGGY

IKE

Ike looks between Cory, Maggie and finally, Peggy. Peggy jerks

the field with both Ike and Bob on top of it. Ike is munching on

Im a journalist and we all know

Walter looks at his daughter in surprise. Hes never heard a

Maggie, leaves Ike alone.

MAGGIE

She disappears around the ledge of the building and runs off.

Ike quietly sits in bed writing and staring into space thinking.

Ike wipes the smirk off his face. Like Maggies other men, this

IKE

MAGGIE (contd)

fiancee.

(cynical delight)

Why else would you print a piece of

approaching, looking mighty peeved. He nudges Bob and points to

IKE

(to Drunk on bench)

under the expert eyes of a stern looking woman, MRS. WHITTENMEYER,

(dazed but happy)

Benedict.

She lets him lead her away.

Cindy leaves to join the girls in the foyer.

We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware

moment jokingly)

out.

What happened at the luau?

steps. He charges up the stairs and grabs Lee.

BARTENDER

Youre not even Catholic, Maggie -- you

GRANDMA JULIA

Is that what I did to you? Is that

again.

good condition. Where did you find

(sits on the arm

path. Like a gazelle, she leaps to the side aisle and scampers

because it would have been a lie, but

Then youll be my best man.

At this pace, it could be an evening

Yes I do!

Maggie in front of plates full of all sorts of types of eggs --

bringing the wine to the luau. Thanks.

coffee table and grabs that, too.

ELLIE

MAGGIE

Ike smiles down at his loafers and shrugs.

IKE

bag in his lap. Ike passes THE INN HALE BAR, same dump of a

Friends. Thank you. Thank you.

Maggie looks gratefully at Ike.

Then come for dinner.

ANGLE ON: MAGGIES CAR parked a few cars down. He pulls over

Come on, itll give you a great view.

PRIEST

paid to do this, its going to be a

May I have a word with you, please?

You chew men up, spit them out and

(then to Drunk)

(turning back around)

Maggie and Ike ride along.

Hes been "devilized". Peggy coughs as she recognizes Ike in

MAGGIE

I like those grapes.

IKE

(delighted as

the rim of the crater, Diamond Head.

Of what?

MAGGIE

sentence.

opens that window and starts to climb out.

ELLIE

What?

Guess youd know about that. Youre an

coat, he goes to his keyboard and plays music as he CHUFFAS to

cover story, its going to be published

IKE

reporters are interviewing, a GERMAN LADY, BUTCH KENAN, a

George heads out.

Ike comes up to Peggy.

You steal my research... Youre messing

See, this is a mature relationship.

(quickly)

Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on

I was hoping youd say that.

FISHER

ELAINE

newspaper. He turns in astonishment and continues up the

Ike gives the ring to Fisher. The Pastor approaches Ike. Ike

My jacket, please.

I had it under control. Now they feel

Sure, I would love to give this to you.

Lost!

Thats fair.

IKE

CUT TO:

sign glows and the lights from the outer house twinkle.

stole from Ikes room. We see as she reads them: "Father, two-

Where did you disappear to?

MAGGIE AND IKE

... Anyway, I have sort of a technical

INT. FISHER AND ELLIES APARTMENT (NYC) - NIGHT

PEGGY

IKE

Not as private as I thought.

Take care of him.

Hey. Grandma, whats for lunch?

Ike does an on-the-button imitation of Maggie jumping excitedly

Eke walks by the T-shirt Vendor, goes into a subway station.

IKE

That guy has a problem... Maggie, you

MAGGIE

Have you listened to his morning show,

MAGGIE

WALTER

Peggy steps aside. Ike moves toward Cindy and Mrs. Pressman.

He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks

(studying a lamp)

she certainly is the fastest.

about them?

lift, are in the funky garage.

Well go with total traditional.

Am I right?

MAGGIE

I dont think thats why she ran.

Without oxygen...

moment.

Pressman.

Maggie is kickboxing.

reporting. Which is understandable,

IKE

PEGGY

What are you trying to say to me, Fish?

IKE (contd)

column ideas I want to bounce off you.

He seems crabby.

VOICE

Like her mother.

Ike has placed post-its on a framed picture, using the frame as a

IKE

bulletin board. Post-it notes lay out the information he has

IKE

a blues band. Ike is not bad on slide guitar. They all like

Hes here!... Hes here!

PEGGY

What?

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

the diner. She gets a bag from inside the cab of her truck and

Yeah, thats a good point.

You actually could make breaking and

happened? Just now? Jus then? In

mingles with Maggies panicked gasps.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

MAGGIE

Okay, well order out.

The CAMERA MOVES on the last note on the floor next to her chair.

article about Maggie.

MAGGIE

wedding car -- a 63 Buick.

there. Shes got to start focusing

are two different things.

money to spend on one of your dresses,

Yes, rubbing your ears is very soothing.

cave with a thousand candles just to

to our little Dennis. Dennis will turn

But I still ended up chasing a truck.

propose? Shes not that beautiful."

counter and exits. We hold on Maggies designed lamp.

She plunges forward with a sped-up hesitation step.

with umbrellas. Plastic leis abound and most people have

IKE

Your two cinnamon rolls.

IKE

WALTER

(quietly)

IKE

Maggie slams the food closed.

CINDY

room. Grandma is sewing one of Maggies wedding veils. Walter

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

Lee, hey, wake up. Give me the key to

Could your confess to Father Patrick

are two different things.

But enough toasts, lets hula. Lets

still deserve a beautiful dress.

divorce written all over you.

their hands.

splitting apart. And she bolts like a bat out of hell! In a

EXT. TROUTS BARN - NIGHT

INSERT window of church. Peggy peers out the window at the

the whole thing.

It wont be funny if you drag it out.

Tell me if its too heavy.

PEGGY

BOB

He begins to pace.

side and starts to east.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK

about...

Maggie closer -- loving her, willing her on.

IKE (contd)

I didnt expect pink and lacy, but this

INT. IKES HALLWAY AND APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGGIE (contd)

go to the dining room.

In the tradition that has grown through

MRS. TROUT

"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter

Lets just put this back here for the

You afraid to try?

Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette

more in here.

BOB

Thats why shes had some -- whatever

Yeah. Its kind of nice.

(referring to her headdress)

focused mainly on hog calling and

questions and let you follow me around.

We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She

Ike takes this in. Shes reaching him -- but then the defenses

It was one of the most wonderful

(moves to window)

tied with budget restraints.

Anothers become a priest. Ones a

Bob!

good offense, right? Youre not going

Ahh.

without cable.

What did he ask?

And one more thing. I know its hard

Ike just came by to check out the team.

MAGGIE

Maggie takes the wine bottle from the table next to Walter. She

IKE

PEGGY

During the Ike/Mrs. Pressman exchange, Maggie looks at Ike.

MAGGIE

you. You probably got severance or

unleaded.

respect. Nobody whos been up Everest is a total clown.

Cory comes over with Dennis to Bob and Peggy. BOB/PEGGY/CORY/

Overpriced nice apartment and Chinese

Ike sits. Maggie takes the box from him and puts it aide. And

of using this column to direct bitter

Im not a boastful man. Whats your

Maggie puts the paper on the kitchen counter and starts to read

Dennis runs on as Maggie continues toward her goal: Bob and Ike,

out the throw. Bob, acting as umpire, yells, "Safe!" Happy,

Maggie looks at him with real gratitude. She swings the car

So? I never returned your calls, even

Peggy Phleming. Not the ice skater.

(into phone)

fresh proof that the female archetypes

with your life and commit to someone of

Te family dog, Skipper, sits near a ceramic dog table. Maggie

Shes been doing this since the last

I already explained about that.

dance to the soon-to-be newlyweds, the

As the hydraulic lift slows, the car is lowered, revealing Ike

the leper colony in Molokai?

MAGGIE (contd)

EXT. HALE STREET - THE NEXT DAY

(enthusiastically)

Ike stares out at water as he walks.

(reads)

NEW ANGLE:

rises from his chair and primps the end of his hair as if giving

MAGGIE (V.O.)

a chair, looking shell-shocked, surrounded by the post-its she

Its not anymore.

The football players move away from the sled. Bob moves to

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - DAY

IKE

coffee.

pull away.

Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the

carefully.

Ike looks at her drooped shoulder and he shakes his head and

IKE (contd)

BOB

You noticed these are all countries

Walter is juggling oranges. Theres glass of beer on the

yard. Cory scores, greeted by Maggie. Ike and Peggy watch as

Hold on -- Nobody interviews Maggie in

Insert on a cappuccino machine. We PULL BACK and see Maggie and

Maggie throws bouquet. We see it float in the air.

severance pay.

label. It says "Miles Davis" on it. She pockets the tape. She

hyperventilate.

and they go inside her door to the house.

MAGGIE

I want a big wedding and a killer dress

MAGGIE

He is finding it very hard to gloat. Fisher is annoying him.

IKE

how to do is hail a cab. If theres no

would remem--

The hydraulic lift stops moving. Ike leans out.

follows, but Peggy grabs a coat for her. Bob watches her go as

But Im weird.

WALTER

blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth.

Ikes hammer flies out of his hand. He goes to pick it up.

your hat.

Maggie!

on the floor next to Peggys salon chair, fixing the base of a

lit up with "Mary me, Maggie."

May the pitter-patter of little feet

(to Ike)

Maggie as shes in the church kitchen and hops on counter and

Maggie sits on the railing, then Ike backs up and sits on the

MAGGIE

Ike moves back to the couch.

heavyweight title to a New Yorker.

past the church.

Bob.

MAGGIE

some solo, some tuxes, some in dinner jackets.

church basement. Ike fumble with the veil and jumps over the

He made all-stars in high school, you

You always looked great in that suit...

She has the next victim all lined up.

IKE

He moves as he takes it all in: a FAMILY eats a fast food picnic

ON TV:

an INK SMEAR!!

MAGGIE (contd)

up, our host, "A Honey of a Beekeeper",

and bag.

CUT TO:

and puts it around Ike.

There are reasons why they didnt come

I like his tight butt.

She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving

What was that?

CUT TO:

shes worth hitting on.

Establishing.

You want me to make a toast? Okay...

IKE

patterns of locusts when Maggie met me.

Ill regret it for the rest of my life.

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - LATER THAT MORNING

(after a beat)

even I dont understand and something

startled out of their kiss. They pull apart and smile at each

Every one of those times I was being

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

Bob and Maggie kiss Ike two little love-birds.

Brian -- Ive got to go. The mans a

ANOTHER ANGLE:

Hello. Im looking for Maggie

You misinterpret everything. Weve all

Maggie and Ike sit on the counter. Mrs. Pressman CHUFFS about

MAGGIE

Gill, Ill go ya double or nothing if

You were not.

Could I have two coffees, please? And

God intended?

MAGGIE

Im not running.

"Anyway, Im just dropping you big city

IKE

Ike leans into Maggie, enjoying the smell of her hair. She

the view with his back to Maggie as she speaks.

at the concert in San Francisco --

conversation.

and goes and stands near the dugout near the rest of Corys team.

They walk up to her DOORMAN.

PEGGY

(pause)

(to Ike)

man-eater is called Ragma..."

"Today is a day of profound

She gets everyone up to hula. Band plays fast tune. Maggie

(interrupting)

FISHER

Maggie leads Ike through a cornfield.

Brian, open up. Dont ignore me.

approaches rapidly. The CROWD has turned from skepticism to

his cat about marriage and divorce.

Dont look so surprised, youve got

The flower girl sees Maggie and runs and hides behind Polly.

love you, they hate you, theyre hot,

CUT TO:

Ike turns and walks down the street, talking into cell phone.

walks through the CROWD down the steps and outside. Ike

IKE (contd)

Maggie has no response.

already met.

truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I

expenses and a rental car9９liｂ•ｎｅt.

bouquet.

(stares at him)

Oh, come on. Youre practically family.

IKE

garage. The faded sign reads: "Gills Garage".

to face Ike. They are both beet red, stammering and unable to

MAGGIE

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY

steps, are looking around as Ike turns around the corner and

his tape recorder out of his pocket and starts speaking into it.

really fun making this list with you,

A CRASH, coming from the nearby back room, we hear loud muttering

meet. But shes always focusing out

Mrs. Pressman continues her story to Ike.

MAN puts is USA Today on the bar and addresses the BARTENDER.

your cabs, and overwhelming you with

responding to your baiting me will

IKE (contd)

IKE

The couple enters. Bob is a goody bronzed god in his King

IKE

Ive still never been married and I

Not there? Okay. Listen Im thinking

MAGGIE (contd)

Ike turns and heads for the door. The Man calls after him,

charming and mysterious in a way that

Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.

(deadpan)

Yes.

Maggie steps out onto the back porch. Shes beautiful in a

WALTER AND CROWD

Okay, were ready. Want me to have Ike

Im sorry, too.

BOB

GILL

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

Meredith, the low-end public access TV reporter, films himself

MRS. PRESSMAN

ANGLE ON:

Okay. Second floor.

Ike puts down his cup of coffee, gets his tape recorder and sits

(lightly)

MAGGIE

I like it.

ANGLE ON:

Maggie nods affirmatively.

Im listening.

and Grandma. A cozy and eclectic place creatively furnished on

get the juice flowing, help me. I have

Listen, Gill -- Theres this reporter

of us.

FISHER

MAGGIE

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

Check on the crabs, Bob.

Thats okay. Theres a lid for every

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

INT. CHURCH FOYER - DAY

coffee table.

Gill looks up and gives Maggie a fond, hazy smile.

FISHER

I borrowed it from this guy I know.

BOB

IKE

really was. And it was only half the

think shes still gonna run?

Maggie, I gotta think about this a

IKE

Here we go! One antique hot water

Your column should be so funny.

God... Of course. Im sorry -- I mean,

WALTER

definitely a first to me, and youre

Ike looks at the Man with reservation. The Man is George

stops and stares alone after the disappearing truck. A swarm of

for a sober moment.

IKE

(tenderly)

That was very interesting research

Thank you, Grandma.

men.

Well, wedding cake freezes. This we

GEORGE (contd)

PEGGY

that I might be profoundly and

with the first amendment now. Open up.

me "child", Brian. It annoys me.

how I dump men for kicks to bother with

farm in St. Thomas. The ring was

Thats what were working on -- focus.

down the road away from the church.

My point is that one again, youre

PEGGY

IKE

do". You have to get married.

wholesome attitudes as PEOPLE greet each other familiarly. Ike

CROWD the essence of what is wonderful about a small town. Bob,

REPORTERS catch up to him, flashing pictures and asking

and pay for, so many weddings.

Okay, Im the pastor. Dearly beloved,

dont want to climb Annapuma.

Im just bragging about how great you

notices, but acts casual.

IKE

Duckbill platypus.

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - DAY

No, thats called not having a mind of

Steady.

It just seems like an awful lot of

VARSITY FOOTBALL PLAYERS ram into the sled and drive it across

Just give us one quick gander at that

MAGGIE

like trashy fiction. Your observations

Ike stares back at her, the tickle of suspicion creeping up his

what is that wonderful smell?

INT. GILLS GARAGE - DAY

Bob comes up to Ike. He looks like hes going to punch Ike, then

Peggy, theres distinct possibility

IKE

MAGGIE

(then)

Cory and me or even that youre

snakes. Ive never even seen a snake.

MAGGIE

Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA

shows it to everyone. Ike does a slow burn.

I changed it.

You could have told me you were fiance

A woman, MRS. MURPHY, rushes in.

ending.

Not the world. Just Africa and China.

and gives Ike a very hard look as he puts his arm around his

arm.

fitted on the pedestal in the middle of the room. A saleswoman,

Bob grabs Maggie around the waist and smooches her adoringly.

... didnt order enough sausage.

THE TV - CLOSE

FISHER

Or the sexual habits of locusts?

This ones very popular, but oh, youve

MAGGIE

Cindy rolls over in her chair, picks up her dog and rolls back

They smile at each other and remain sitting. Then, silence.

Grahams column on a platter. Yours

over their heads to the back fence.

ANGLE ON: Bob.

back and forth with for a few minutes,

MAGGIE

are alive and well? Te mother, the

Can you excuse us a minute?

surprised, but hes pleased.

pretends not to have noticed. The two watch as Maggie and Cory

Im really sorry that I hurt you, Brian.

Ike sits down comfortably.

(no response)

justice.

Of course.

(sits)

things has been restored on its quaint streets. Quartet sings

CLOSE ON:

your account.

Lesson number two. Never work for your

Maggie turns away from him as he dresses.

It just gives me the creeps a little bit.

Well, Im good, I dont know if Im

would play his heart out.

MAGGIE

This is getting serious.

INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT

Imagine if you will, a small town in

Dance with me.

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

down. They do.

ceremony.

the only one whos lost and you know it!

Maggie? You got it removed?

stories. Its not what you call ethical.

down, standing)

No, Im not afraid. Just... Maybe

MAGGIE

pets Italics, who sits on his sofa bed. Without taking off his

blah blah. Hes totally out to get me.

Sure I do. But the bet defense is a

coloring products. Maggie helps.

thing. Im from out of town. Youre a

bridal gown. They continue to ad lib words standing with the

EXT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY

No, Im just going to head home.

outside watering plants. Ike looks after Maggie and then back

(getting into it)

interesting bedtime reading -- if you

Bag.

Bob goes to Maggie and walks behind her.

INT. HARDWARE STORE - NIGHT

beat.

his glasses and watches a video taped wedding playing on the TV

Help me! Yup! Thats her all right.

be making the wedding cake and they say

PEGGY

We need to limber you up a little.

reliable sources that Nietzche got

In another one...

question here. Ive been having -- bad

Hey, Pete, Ill be right with you.

Brian sits next to Maggie.

INT. TROUTS BARN - NIGHT

(then to Maggie)

PEGGY

MAGGIE

CUT TO:

Excuse me. I was thinking of doing an

one of them a Pulitzer.

MAGGIE

aromatherapy.

altar. They call her "The Runaway

going to run again. And Im not

he brought us a bottle of wine.

like the white dinner jacket.

Ike crosses a busy street where a MAN is being arrested. Ike is

Thats Brians. He took me ut canoeing

in an article?

GILL (contd)

I love you and I can promise that I

Then, Ike comes up behind her as she discards another groom.

incredible.

BARTENDER

Well, you do have the dress.

lifetime, thank you. Im sorry she got

Im happy for you, honey.

(hiding his hope)

I said, Ive seen much worse.

even know how you like your eggs.

past.

Suddenly, a loud CHUCKLING emanates from the car overhead.

Ellies on the phone. Fisher sits nearby.

Ike listens intently and stares steadily into her eyes. Peggy

(to the Women)

I think so.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - THAT MOMENT

(then to Maggie)

not be Hales longest running joke, but

your wife to marry you?

TIME CUT:

BOB (contd)

King and Queen, dance.

three in the morning at a tick hunt.

on the pews towards her as GUEST crowd the aisle, blocking his

PEGGY

SHOCKED WEDDING GUESTS rise in horror, as she runs from this

MAGGIE

As Fisher and Ellie sign the guest book, a LOCAL LADY stares at

Cindy rushes to Maggies wedding dress.

Grandma leaves. Walter steps up.

Obviously, Im not the only one who

have it, Mags. I said "Youre on, man!

Mrs. Pressman, thank you.

MAGGIE (contd)

looks at it and smile sweetly.

action, charging after her.

(after opening

the head and run away screaming.

(looking worried)

coming.

MAGGIE

Follow me around everywhere I go?

Maggie.

MRS. PRESSMAN (contd)

Maggie looks over from her sitting position on the floor. She

Maggie stares at them both.

MAGGIE

Youre sure well known around here.

IKE

Thats better than fine.

Turkey and cheese.

(into phone)

You just pull a hair from my neck.

thirty tomorrow.

to Pete)

See, shes not a man-hater at all.

Mrs. Pressman, I think were ready to

or ride away from things.

Kevin, the bartender, reads Jays column, in the USA Today

..."

she castigated you in private.

Ike and Maggie drive in Maggies truck. They pull up in front of

MRS. TROUT

MRS. TROUT

CUT TO:

IKE

WALTER

MAGGIE

for him. I mean, ones been up Everest.

prepares to make a sacrifice out of the

Id like it better on a scoreboard.

stares closely. The groom is George from the bar.

going to be very tough on you. Its

IKE

Youre right. Its not funny now.

platform against the back fence.

Ike grins and shows Maggie the notes in his pocket.

end of the aisle didnt just fix that.

into one of those "sources say" things.

You know the old saying, "Youre not

MAGGIE

making notes. Ike looks up from his writing. The Man gets up

No, I dont think youre like, "Im

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

IKE

You are the football. Youre spiraling

cast iron tub with a four-inch center

MAGGIE (contd)

... Irate? Livid? Hows that?

Its one thousand dollars.

MAGGIE

Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere

Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging

Maggie lets herself in the modest room and turns on the lights

chair. She looks like she hasnt slept.

No -- Im cleaning an attic. I

I mean Maggie didnt know she was going

CINDY

know, plus some NEW YORKERS for Ike, with little ponytails.

tattoo.

EXT. TROUTS BARN - THE NEXT NIGHT

Thank you.

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

one-eyed snake".

IKE

BOB (contd)

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

MAGGIE

Bob hands the flower to Ike. Ike is shaking. Bob catches this

Oh, Ill play it for you.

Grandma cuts the thread and separates the veil from Ikes sleeve.

Now thats romantic. A proposal like

Cory dives in for third and makes it. The crowd goes wild.

Call me crazy, but I believe that check

Maggie!

you?

(defensive)

IKE

BOB

Eight is good... "V" could be Victory.

fisted drinker," "Peggy, best friend, but Peggy doesnt totally

Ike clears his throat as he stands putting his pants on.

MAGGIE

(then, imitates

MAGGIE

Cory does that to me when I

IKE

You just have to get the rest of your

to get back to work. I still have my

(excited)

MAGGIE

ANOTHER ANGLE:

IKE

DOG sitting outside. Inside, we see two figures from the back,

yourselves the bulls eye of an easy

Ive heard about on your back.

MAGGIE

It wasnt that funny.

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

(quietly to Maggie)

Shut up, wahines!

MAGGIE

and add some new goddesses to the

without sarcasm?

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

there, smiling at Ike. The Pastor gestures to the guests to sit

MAGGIE

Italics.

Want to go to Butchs for a drink or

His name is Skipper, Dad... Steady.

(to Maggie)

MAGGIE

(interrupting)

more in the back.

trust Maggie," "Bob" -- doesnt love him. Overwhelmed, she

No.

into at least fifteen minutes of

May the grooms heart be filled with

MAGGIE

delivered paper: USA Today. She tears off the plastic bag and

Maggie and Ike finally break the kiss. Ike takes her hand and

IKE

(shrugs)

Marry me, Maggie.

You should thank Lou and I for the

How do I do it? Im not that beautiful.

Fisher. A videotape of all three train

Ike and Maggie open and close a Hoberman ball by holding its

of grooms for her wedding cake. The groom figures are spread out

headlines in other papers.

IKE

bed, wearing only a jacket and panties. Heedless of being seen

Of course.

EXT. ROAD - LATE DUSK TO NIGHT

Thank you. Thank you so much.

(without difficulty)

GILL

That your husband out there? Cory

Mrs. Pressman, please.

He pulls out the cassette from its case. Its broken. The tape

Lets see... Excuse me, isnt that cute?

Youre welcome. Your notes made

Now Maggie shows Ike the ring on her hand. Its a gold "#1" with

Its something Ive always wanted to do.

the bar and starts glancing at it. The Man at the bar has heard

I wanted to talk to you about why I run

Im taking her trekking on Annapurna on

showed up so they couldnt see her.

IKE

(exits salon;

lucky I have a suit... Whats wrong?

POLLY

Some woman is going to make you a lot

Maggie rubs her ears.

I love you.

good that I didnt go through with it

MAGGIE

GEORGE

Ike calls out to Mrs. Whittenmeyer.

Justice, yes. Paid, I dont know.

minute man. Ideas dont flow until an

PEGGY

not that shes afraid of the wedding,

of this thing. But I also guarantee

MAGGIE

Unbelievable, she got to you.

entitled "Maggies Mad Dash".

CUT TO:

Fully. I like her. She has wit.

MAGGIE

Ike stares off down the road. Maggie indicates a building in

(taps her service bell)

label: "Miles Davis." "Kind of Blue" plays as Maggie listens in

(into phone)

the truth.

fabricate your facts, you get fired.

Ike has checked into the Atlantic Hotel. The clerk, LEE, hands

tire swing.

But one of those guys -- not one of

MAGGIE

Look, hes running after her.

She moves to the confessional, knocks, then speaks to Mrs. Murphy.

Both extends his hand to Elaine.

Ike looks into Maggies shining face and pauses. He gets up and

I think so... When I was walking down

LEE

in evening and formal wear from Escada for G.Q. Fisher is not

diatribes you love to write about women

EXT. FISHER AND ELLIES BUILDING - THE NEXT DAY

exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

helpless with laughter.

WALTER

This party is for you and Bob. Get

And she scampers out. Brian goes back into the confessional.

Maggie pulls into the driveway in her truck. Shes in a fine

I dont know much about this kind of

PEGGY

INT. USA TODAY OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

Neutral corners you two. Youre on the

sitting on a bench.

reading something from Yeats at the moment. They seem happy.

(sarcastically)

So if youre not running and Ike Graham

the car falters and jerks. It shows to a stop on the shoulder of

our honeymoon.

Living Dead". And heres the creepiest

whisk you out of here if she runs.

ask you to be mine, Ill regret it for

the football field, a scowl on her face. A few HIGH SCHOOL

Brian closes the confessional window and exits

Sorry, no. I just got one.

EXT. HALE RESIDENTIAL STREET - ANOTHER MORNING

Ike sits as he hears Maggies voice behind him.

arms around each other. One is definitely Maggie. The other is

(removing his jacket)

MAGGIE

(serious)

man, check me out".

GILL (contd)

BOB (contd)

Peggy yells and jumps in.

Wedding bells are ringing for the

village, within that a hardware store...

counter, and hitting the floor, with a THUD. Bob looks down at

MRS. PRESSMAN

The brides been here for almost an

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

Or does she pick "NGBS" -- "Nice Guys,

-- The luau for Maggie.

Right guard.

headdress.

(eyes down)

See you at the wedding.

Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.

IKE (contd)

I feel Im right about you. You got me

ELLIE

They all squeeze and peer out window. They scream in excitement.

INTERCUT BETWEEN TWO LOCATIONS:

IKE

MAGGIE (o.s.)

Maggie drives up to an old brick firehouse that is now an auto

shushes the CROWD.

taking this too fast.

(stopping)

Maybe its just me, but -- if you got

a wash? You know, get all that city

wearing a crown of flowers. The Maid Marian look. Ike slows the

She likes to dump grooms right at the

turns on some music. The cat is sitting by the radio. He

Ike turns around. Maggie is standing on the pedestal, wearing

Ellie does yoga stretches. Ike sits back on the couch, puts on

machine. It looks very shiny and futuristic. Maggies logo

I have no idea what Im doing.

We hear Fisher laugh.

A harmless joke.

Bob! I almost forgot! I have to meet

He spots a RICH LADY with tons of diamonds getting out of a

your noses to rubbed in all of your

If youre still in town, you should

Suddenly, Peggy stands, pushes past him and runs down the steps.

the road. The car backfires and smokes.

If you could have a seat, please.

the loose, who has time to check facts?"

same thing to "poor bastard number four"

Ike moves toward the door. He spots Pete.

(shouts over the music)

MAGGIE

plans as they exit... Walter puts down his drink.

EXT. STREET/HALE/ATLANTIC HOTEL - THAT NIGHT

Ah, beautiful.

The joy seems to have drained out of her.

Establishing shot.

Quick. Very quick.

zone, if you catch my drift.

MAGGIE

Ike puts a shirt on as Maggie speaks.

on the lake and gave me the ring in a

Maggie hands Ike a third ring. Its in the shape of a butterfly

She walks over to him.

to Ike, moving him

(into phone)

Fisher doing here anyway?

Graham, who is missing in action.

This doesnt want to come out.

people. Slowly, we see the twenty people come over the crest of

So, well...

Dads fishing trip, Grandmas knee

is dangling from the cassette.

pretty cranky when we see things in

DISSOLVE TO:

(indicating Ike)

It doesnt make me a bad person.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS job past Maggie, doing laps. A boy, KENDALL,

Nows the time for calm... If you dont

that and you didnt find eternal bliss?

(then seeing a hanging rope)

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

(looks to Walter)

Youre very mysterious!

You can turn that finger around.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

display is made up of an assortment of Maggies lamps. Logo

is going to marry Maggie some day and shows Ike where Maggie is

It was classic.

we hope that this boomerang bride isnt

surprise at his touch shows on her face as she finishes her

CORY

So? Is that what you said to her?

Ellie is on the phone as Fisher enters with beer. Ike sits at

No, no -- dont hide your face, this

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Ellie kisses him on the cheek and walks away.

leads Maggie and Ike up the back steps of the church.

Yes, well, my theory was that she may

Welcome to our annual country luau. As

this head stuff. Visualize the end

GRANDMA JULIA

Why should I pay you dollar one?

Maryland...

Maggie hands Ike another ring. This one is in the shape of a

there. You dont think theyll call it

(to Dog)

IKE

Actually, he only asked me one

PEGGY

INT. BAKERY - DAY

bride from Ike coldly.

about to throw off the covers when Maggies voice breaks the

(turning toward her)

feelings, maybe its time to move on

The Man continues speaking as Ike and the woman continue their

really shouldnt come to confession.

Ike runs after Maggie. He grabs her arm and turns her to him.

Maggie and Bob start to dance as the Quarter sings "Aloha Oe."

Gram here was going to give me the

sin scale, how big is that? I mean,

GEORGE

then dives into the crowd. They watch her and body surf her

Peggy and Cindy arrive for the rehearsal. They leave Cindys

Peggy hops off the chair.

them on and crosses to the window.

IKE

WALTER (contd)

IKE

Ike bet me fifty bucks you dont still

Fine. You wash, Ill ask the

Actually...

salesperson, right? Youre here to

(innocently)

(interrupting)

the cacophony.

and looks up to Ike. It is a moment of clean honesty between the

Its pretty much all been covered.

MAGGIE

IKE

them, and criticize what they do,

lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little

Negative attention is attention.

MAGGIE

Ill come by and tell you all about it.

I have one thousand dollars.

Why not just consider my wrist slapped

the luau, then moves around the corner.

GILL

Ike leaves the kitchen, turns on the balcony lights and re-enters

You must be that Mr. Graham fellow.

Gill grabs his guitar and sits.

silence.

Maggies having trouble keeping him steady as she opens the car

I just could use someone to toss it

motions with his hand for her to stay seated. He goes inside and

Grandma made me the cutest outfit. I

Good luck.

He looks better with that stuff out of

PEGGY

breakfast. Hes watching Maggies wedding tape again. Fisher

Honey, are you okay?

Ike as he gets to the window, but Maggie is out in driveway.

was never her problem. Well be here,

of ten years ago that you had your

man-eater, the last of which concerns me

We see Maggie move away another aisle and out of the church.

(passing him

GRANDMA JULIA

IKE

PEGGY

He smiles as he looks at Maggie.

Bobs the head of the P.E. department

GRANDMA JULIA

of peppy cheerleaders.

On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the

You want me to do it on spec?!

You guys! How long did this take you?

VOICE startles her.

MAGGIE

(checks photo again)

tie-dye t-shirt stand at a Dead concert.

Maggie is conspicuously silent.

"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy

Ahh...

irreversibly screwed up. Despite that,

pronounce you man and wife. Kiss the

CUT TO:

INT. BRIDAL SHOP - DAY

and sitting)

A BARBERSHOP QUARTET is singing in front of the only hotel in

IKE

farmer and Grandma Julia. Reporter DINA NAPOLI walks down the

Maggie walks away. Ike walks a few steps and stops at a KID on

Dont take anything big.

Put your finger in.

Maggie points diagonally across the field to where a gas station

Okay, I was also thinking I might write

GRANDMA JULIA

to grooms spot)

of corn into the meadow. They are running for their lives.

IKE (contd)

switches off the music and proceeds like a proud coach to be the

IKE

MAGGIE

Youve got to be kidding me.

its mutual, its well, terribly

Ike exits his hotel as the Barber Shop Quartet finishes singing

Im a work in progress.

on Bob.

Ike walks away. Alone, Maggie tries to seem enthused.

who are standing here this morning.

tickets. The dog, Sprout, sits in is basket.

CINDY

the house. The front door opens and Maggie appears fresh out of

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY

go back up. He turns to her.

You dont understand this guy.

isnt exactly a womans room.

IKE (contd)

WOMAN

CINDY

MAGGIE

leave now?

pantomiming holding the reins of a wildly galloping horse. Weve

leaves quite a wake... Excuse me.

MAN (contd)

IKE

Ike yells at a CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

At the wedding? You invite him? Bob,

Ike and Maggie fishing.

his shoulder. Ike puts his hands around her waits to give her a

flurry of white, she is halfway down the aisle before Ike knows

Maggie. Some of the children are

Gill is still trying to grasp the meaning of this.

eyed snake awhile ago.

Mrs. Whittenmeyer comes forward to greet Maggie.

perfume in elevators."

IKE

snaps a look to Bob, who follows her.

Maggie rushes inside and looks around. No one is in sight.

Ike picks up his cup of cappuccino and moves behind the couch.

Remember, we are putting the "fun" back

off. Three weddings, no "I dos". You

Ill kill you.

Dennis closes the door behind him as he goes back into the

ANGLE ON:

rips into it, looking for her letter. She finds it. A smile on

MAGGIE

Tell me. When you get to the altar,

IKE

PEGGY

Bob -- are you making friends with this

WALTER

Yes.

who is having tea with her friend, NETTA.

Maggie looks up just in time to catch Peggys exit. Ike pulls

(happily)

statuary. Strings of colored lights crisscross the ceiling.

ANGLE ON:

BOB

first wedding. She drags the train boy up the second aisle as

BOB

Mrs. 九-九-藏-书-网Trout hears about Maggies wedding.

Will she or wont she? That is on the

Ive got news for you. No amount of

Thats flattering.

IKE (contd)

Wait. Dont tell me. The scoreboard

I give up.

because with a "man-eater" like me on

MAGGIE

DISSOLVE TO:

Im sorry. Im just so stressed out

IKE (V.O.)

CUT TO:

Youre jail bait, Dennis. Go away.

the shop used to wash and dye hair. Theres a sink, stool and a

Oh, please!

Where do you think shes going?

I just cant see her leaving multiple

Maggie jumps and turns to see: DENNIS -- the kid from the high

MAGGIE (contd)

BOB

help it.

Ike. Need help?

Brian told you that?

MAGGIE

Ike opens the door to his apartment and flicks on the lights. He

Over there. Ten oclock. Hes talking

door, racing after Bob at a full sprint.

BOB

Ike takes her hands affectionately.

exploitative, mean-hearted creep who

Okay, thats fine. I can do that.

POLLY, has taken the flower girl under her wing. They are both

ever met who would hold my tarantula.

MAGGIE

wont. He says shes so famous now,

Supportive? You werent being

Brian moves away. Maggie follows and sits in a nearby pew.

Maggie hands Ike a 30-year-old LP: Miles Davis "Kind of Blue."

INT. MAGGIES WORKSHOP/HOME - DAY

MRS. TROUT (contd)

I dont write bitter diatribes about

Open up. You got no place to go.

hour or two before deadline.

The balcony overlooks Central Park. The twinkling lights of the

other.

is.

So whats in store for us in tomorrows

applauded.

it onto Maggies shoulders.

huh? Well, it was very nice to meet

IKE

Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."

about this --

You bet ya, Coach.

BOB

Ellie. Ellie stares back at her until she leaves. Ike walks

I merely write the stuff. Youre the

next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.

my time?

You know, I was just thinking about

Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,

walks to the living room.

tongue down my throat. So dont call

Theres a man coming down those steps

Maggie makes her funny face. Peggy doesnt laugh.

Thats breaking and entering. Ill call

front of an oscillating fan. Grandma and Walter come in.

I think you could probably sell this

down and away. Fisher gets on his cell phone. Ike charges from

Which picture?

Whoa, Ike. Getting a complex, buddy?

Walter laughs.

Well, Im impressed. Absolutely

"Tools".

MRS. PRESSMAN

half full king of guy.

questions. Another camera flashes and we cut to:

PEGGY

ELLIE

Ive been making friends with your cat.

on purpose. And I have no intention of

Good one! Thanks.

IKE

You never wrote one about you. Im not

Ike pulls the cloth down from over his face.

IKE

left with. I should weigh three

MAGGIE

TED

his arms around them and gives them a big hug.

So, the forces of good and evil have

to her station.

theyre listening to you.

anything yourself! I read your column.

CLOSE ON:

EXT. CHURCH - THE DAY OF THE WEDDING

I understand why you bring up the truck.

You here on business? I saw your lamps.

you?

No, Im paying for the dress. Do you

Oh, she just went to get me something

MAN

MAGGIE

Bob, Walter, and Maggies GRANDMOTHER JULIA sit in the living

Actually, I would like to get this dress.

Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the

(snorts)

give up.

field to Big Bob."

of work to do today! Ill see you two

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

father whos drunk all the time. Ill

The real story on Miss Carpenter.

Maggie moves up the stairs towards Ikes room.

stairs to his room.

picks up the phone.

DISSOLVE TO:

IKE

pleasant face and a body that is almost shockingly buff. Hes

to herself. If only these boys would give it up.

comes inside the hotel where she finds Ike talking to Grandma,

It wont take long. Jus two venials.

distillates.

Youre no fun.

to selling his shirts.

youve been like this since we were

her. Maggies voice rises from the floor behind the counter.

dubiously, at the paper.

I think the most anybody can honestly

Yeah.

BOB

INT. MAGGIES FOYER AND STAIRS - DAY

have in common back then... What kind

Ike nods as they come to a wooden fence. She puts her hand on

On the first date.

Ike takes a swallow of cappuccino.

She starts to go, then stops in her tracks as she hears:

thought of a ritual sacrifice that would

(coaxing)

PETE, wearing a hat, comes in the front door of the salon.

Its a little early in the game for Ike to be thrown off guard.

Missed me bad, huh?

Ike leans and rests his head on the sink. Peggy bends over him

MAGGIE

Youre a goddess!

I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is

(to Polly)

IKE

Bye, Betty. Thanks.

The bar from the opening scene. GEORGE SWILLING, the same man

Thanks. Will you fix my hair?

It was in the attic. It was jus

Maggie screams as the boys push her down the football field.

This is a great place -- a major hub of social life in Hale. The

WALTER (contd)

MRS. TROUT

Peggy starts to go, then moves close to Maggie.

MAGGIE (contd)

We see Ike driving down the highway. The car sputters a little

(taken aback)

one of the full pews, crosses the aisle and leaps across the pews

Nobody ever paid Shakespeare to write a

judges the Hawaiian dancing. The party is at full tilt -- a

MRS. TROUT (contd)

body combining for success. You could

ten minutes.

He keeps marching. Now Peggy appears next to Maggie. Maggie

IKE

(blathering)

Maggie comes down steps and enters the church childrens Sunday

of writing about those mind-numbing

Uproarious laughter. Maggie looks terribly pained. Ikes had

her wedding video on top of the TV, and goes to the front door.

MRS. PRESSMAN

GORGE

What do you think?

He hugs her.

"Make the shot."

IKE (contd)

ducks in a row.

IKE

I am going to propose, you know. I

... Are you okay?

hear hes a pretty good ballplayer.

cab, we walk.

clearly what has happened to me is as

Lionel, can I borrow some tools?

happy together"?

is that she likes to dress her men up

Ike. Mrs. Trout approaches Ike.

A goatee and horns, have been scrawled on Ikes byline picture.

Its only funny at Camp Birchwood at

Bobs in a hurry.

FISHER

much time passes. Ted plays the organ, then stops. Maggie

They start to dance a slow dance.

Wrenches. My dads gonna love that one.

Thats last minute man.

now...

(laughing)

I have nothing to hide, Mr. Graham.

MAGGIE

article.

was talk of a "now show", but he is

Thats right, Maggie. Just keep your

the luau.

ANGLE ON POLLY AND MRS. WHITTENMEYER:

Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers

Like certain kinds of coral.

FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.

Oh, look, Mr. Graham, how about a toast?

IKE (contd)

If she runs, then its a cover story.

NEW ANGLE:

little bit.

May the back of the dress be as pretty

her, allowing himself to see her expression, her eyes. He cant

This is about her negative attention,

definitely not Bob.

Maggie glances around and spots a DECK CHAIR, which she turns so

Ill put in a good word for you.

Well, theres a girl from my hometown

You know, theres no...

studying the reproductive and migratory

PEGGY

youll say. Am I right?

DINA NAPOLI

Cindy and Peggy enter with the confident air of people who have

Is it okay that Im here?

him Pete sent you. Want my hat?

IKE

Walter reacts.

MAGGIE

Cindy, you better 86 Sprout. He seems

stares at her, the smirk fades from his face. He just looks at

she spins)

(all smiles for

to compete with. Especially to us

Ike checks on the tapes.

(indicates COOK with head)

I got "Bye-bye Birdie". "What part of

(playful)

Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his

And talk about you.

her husbands jacket.

MAN

CUT TO:

bar, greets Ike.

IKE

to behold and Ike has to struggle to keep his face under control.

Ike and Maggie lock gazes. If they had to, they couldnt look

is there to see it, then any article he

eat in my room.

Ellie and Fisher, who have also stepped outside on chapel front

PEGGY

IKE

cant ready anymore.

distracting.

IKE

Phleming, a local radio announcer.

INT. DINER - DAY

Hes laid her flat. Maggie cant speak.

I didnt want to find out I wasnt for

Gill? Lydia? Gill?

MAGGIE

-- But shes certainly the fastest.

(thinks)

He smiles and follows her into the field.

that if I dont ask you to be mine,

I do dont you understand?"... Get

I dont mean it.

MAGGIE

chases the truck, yelling:

As Maggies VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in

clipping and all becomes clear. He picks up the article and

IKE (contd)

MAGGIE

Maggie walks towards Ikes room, checks that no one sees her and

INTERCUT WITH:

Ike sits in the chair near the sink. Maggie shakes out a smock

Shes twirling another body on the

(reads)

I gave you entitles me to ask the

(whispers)

(sarcastic)

PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the

WALTER

Maggie is keenly aware of Ike listening in.

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

So, tell me, George, why do you think

(to Cat)

Maggie indicates column to Peggy. She looks over at the part of

MAGGIE (contd)

They start walking again.

Yes.

potentially but not certifiably,

Its her fourth time to the altar, you

FISHER

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY

When your t-shirts stop shrinking.

IKE

question he asked?

EXT. TE TROUT BAKERY - THE NEXT DAY

IKE

the distance, then turns off the car lights.

GRANDMA JULIA

And I see there was a chill in the air.

him his key. Ike asks about room service and the restaurant.

was exactly what he wanted. So it was

MAGGIE

Were out the special because

CLOSE ON a group of plastic grooms and brides on a counter top.

(seeing the

Traitor!

Thats what he says, but if he thinks

ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes

freshly mown meadow of soybeans, and magically sways a copse of

Ike knows shes right.

we man-eater could stick together."

Cindy joins them.

(into phone)

does, a middle-aged Black WOMAN walks by and whacks him with a

I dont know.

CINDY

BOB

improve your reputation any, and its

Ellie whispers in his ear.

IKE

Walter points to a portrait painting on the wall.

The laughter swells and swells, led by Walter.

MOMENTS LATER

Are you all right with this? You think

Like when women whack you on the street

for me. I cant believe you waited for

sleeping with his feet up. She knocks his feet off the counter.

Im going to kill myself.

Kamikaze!

(softly)

Willow lamp... Rasta lamp...

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

married women who have lost our mystery.

fiction about me and call it fact?"

calls again.

MAGGIE

PEGGY

CUT TO:

FADE TO BLACK

Ike moves out to the balcony. After a moment, Maggie follows him.

Whered Maggie go?

mistakes...

ELLIE

Im getting married.

Ike has no response.

needed by the editor.)

ELLIE (contd)

This year, were dedicating our first

about reality?

Vindication. How would you like to get

Thank you. Do you think I flirt with

the bathroom, and shuts and locks the door. Just as Ike enters,

because many predict that this girl is

when we were married. And whats

He now sees the third wedding. Its outdoors, in a tree lined

wanting to interview Maggie.

She puts on her sunglasses.

LOVE MONTAGE SHOTS:

IKESPOV: There are most of the TOWNSPEOPLE weve come to

I know. Tell me something. Do you

boyfriend Shivas entrails while her

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

IKE

MAGGIE

it is facing the city lights. Then she softly says:

feet. Ike straightens up. For a moment, he is thrown by her

where you parked your car.

She nearly kneels over.

Excuse me, sir. I have an actual fact

Ikes talking on the phone to his friends machine again.

and hear them each say "I do". They kiss a twirling, whirling

was a stick-on.

Grandma gives her a kiss on the cheek.

IKE

squirt gun filled with India ink.

Youre sweet, Dennis. But youve got

FISHER

Hey, kid, Ill give you ten bucks for

A pair of expressive pantomime "A Little Grass Shack".

handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.

can I "Hail Mary" my way out of it?

tomorrow for the hinterlands, youll

And the church.

IKE

Give me that!

PETE

MAN

... I dont even want to talk about

up to you?

arts and crafts. As Maggie runs through:

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

Maggie!!!!?

a bike.

MAGGIE (contd)

step forward toward Ike.

Ike GRABS Maggie and BOOM -- they are all over each other,

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

IKE

About her upcoming wedding and all.

Ike watches their reaction. The silence is deafening. All the

IKE

And in a "V".

You know... Blocked Bart Starr, crewcut

You know, for a good looking man, you

No, no, you should have seen Skipper.

then:

Fisher claps his hands and calls the models to attention. Then

is "King of Blue"! This is the

Ikes going to get married.

The other one is only three hundred

PEGGY

Maggie looks miserable.

What are you doing?

I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham.

I streak towards the goal line.

Maggie gives Ike a smile that lights up the sky. They go inside.

one of these guys has something going

(beginning his story)

(mispronounces)

MAGGIE

FISHER

Ike and Maggie stare forward. Both seem in melancholy moods.

wedding night.

BRIAN

Okay?

MAGGIE (contd)

MAGGIE

newsstand, hes our local bookie, you

groom, Brian, and his best man wait at the altar.

doing it again.

Ike stands there dazed. For a second. Then she springs into

on these walls. Got any living ones?

Its valuable. Hang onto it.

critic?

CUT TO:

Right.

enters.

Maggie stares at Ike for a beat. His words have taken a little

ANGLE ON:

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

IKE

What?

FISHER (V.O.)

Ike pulls up slowly. GUESTS peer through the his car window and

Or maybe you just wanted to wear the

many admirers.

PEGGY (contd)

IKE

Remember that night I as trying to get

Dad and Grandma Julia are there. Grandma is making lunch.

Various High School SPORTS TEAMS practice. Maggie strides across

What went wrong?

PEGGY

And you defending her?

is Hale, Marylands special star and

What do you mean? It was incredibly

Excuse me, sorry, forgot my purse.

Ike walks back to Maggie.

This is good, Dad, dont leave anything

MAGGIE

I think youre right.

ANGLE ON MAGGIES HOUSE:

I have a story to tell that could win

DENNIS

exits a neighboring shop and walks down the block. He pauses in

Cindys dog is on the floor near Maggie.

PEGGY

The phone rings as Fisher exits. Ike goes to the piano as Ellie

Fisher, if you pee on that Persian,

King and Queen of Hawaii, Maggie and

need a half and a nine-six-tenth.

CUT TO:

IKE

EXT. IKES CAR - COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

(furious)

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

"Thats why I was surprised to find Mr.

running of the bulls at Pamplona. And

What are you talking about?

Maggies pace quickens.

MAGGIE

Bye, Netta... Bye, Grandam.

Ike sits on his bed, on the phone, working and eating his

IKE

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Oh, help me!

Im not exactly having fun, either...

operation, Grandmas birthday...

ANGLE ON: Ike just entering the party. At least he tried.

MAGGIE

will be therapy bills for you.

Right, cover your ears, Netta. Its

MAGGIE

(then moving toward Ted)

What the hell were you doing?

IKE

drains away, her happy mood crushed by the tactless assault of

MRS. TROUT is behind the counter helping Maggie with a selection

BOB (contd)

MAN

Ike hands Peggy his jacket. A mystified Peggy leads Ike to the

T-SHIRT VENDOR

disheveled wedding gown, its train tattered and flying like a

Go!

stained Grateful Dead tie-dyed T-shirt. He grins triumphantly,

She takes her hand down. Ike steps away.

Establishing shot. Two MEN try to fix the engine of a taxi

the table, deep in the mood of the melancholy music.

really, that weve been able to plan,

Team effort, Pastor Ike... Cindy, ready?

BOB

MAGGIE (o.s.)

column?

front of the bakery to take a look at Maggies truck. As he

MAN

CLOSE ON:

dollars.

psychotic state. And if you liked me

IKE

folk this little note to say that I have

Yes, I think I nailed the personality

As Maggie rides down the aisle, suddenly the horse whinnies!

read you a poem. You want a man to

She glows. Then the moment between them is broken as she

Talk to whoever you want. You might

MAGGIE

The place is fairly large and prosperous, probably the place to

stands on the table. Its base is made from a used paint mixing

Um, you know, now would be a good

MAGGIE (contd)

"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the

We went to San Francisco twice.

MAGGIE

seen something like this before. Maggies wild ride away from

No, I cant hit on you until I get an

wall. He leans into the picture and whispers.

(gets up to admire

kitchen counter.

Journalism lesson number one. If you

ELLIE

burning to talk to you and he cant

Bride".

her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.

Everybody dances.

She sent us this list. Our lawyers say

CINDY

Bite me, paper boy.

because of your column, thats negative

Maggie leaves.

other bag)

I havent had any fun since you got

virgin, the whore, the crone; theyre

Gee, I hope they dont have a fight out

IKE

of the festivities around her. Every now and then, she looks up

MAGGIE

believe that a rural education is

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL HALLWAY - CONTINUING

IKE (contd)

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY

Bob takes out a notepad and hands it to Maggie.

And what did you say?

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

Carpenter. There was a sign at the

but Ive got a column to go write.

dog in Peggys car and walk to the church.

Ike rides sadly on the back of a forklift, gets off and walks

IKE

No.

drive in a limo?

Its a very symbolic thing happening.

Ike turns and goes to her.

No. Its my life.

WALTER

the portrait)

Maggie, looking around, discovers the wedding video on the

CUT TO:

Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his

Writing or wiping?

You want a guy who will take you into a

We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind

Heres todays mantra: "Its an open

DENNIS, slows his pace to run alongside Maggie.

I dont know. I, uh -- I frankly dont

INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUOUS

Sorry.

IKE

IKE

There is a fire in the fireplace. Maggie and Ike sit as Ike

Is that what youre going to do now?

(dismayed)

Its probably because you got him fired.

CUT TO:

Let me take you back inside, okay?

Both Ike and Bartender turn and stare.

into it.

Ellie blinks back sentimental tears.

what you like. We push, we stretch, we

MAGGIE

IKE

crazy?

smile at each other.

Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS

I like it. This whole thing is pretty

As she hits the stage, she looks at Peggy and Gill, then decides

I already made an appointment for later

Maggie spots Ike as they sit back down. She groans.

Shes the boss.

FADE TO BLACK.

at Peggy. He directs his delight at Maggie, who jumps up and

doesnt understand it. The USS Maggie

here for vindication. In my heart...

(taking a sip

MRS. PRESSMAN

taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN

Hold it! Hold it! I think were

shakes his head at Maggie.

Im really, really afraid of needles...

Id feel better if I knew where he was.

(looking at Maggie

MAGGIE

WALTER

BRIAN

Something that brings warmth to my heart.

has already disemboweled six in a row

chapel. Maggie has a moment alone. She looks at back door as

My last confession was... ahh...

something?

workout area and goes to her desk.

"But how can one blame me when every

managed to find their old Hawaiian shirts.

CUT TO:

Maggie skips back into her house which she shares with Father

NEW ANGLE:

CUT TO:

MRS. PRESSMAN

MRS. PRESSMAN

MAGGIE

-- Tell me something, do you really

She gets off her knees and stands.

IKE

BRIAN

Lawyers.

No, Im not.

(into phone)

IKE

... Or not!

so they wont make jokes about your

As Maggie drives into town with Peggy, they see Ike on porch with

Bag.

she is Kali, who likes to devour her

cappuccino. Ike notices another homemade machine on the table.

Even with everything thats happened

IKE

ELLIE (V.O.; contd)

Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him

happier than I ever could...

image of Maggie, hair blowing. Although she is panic-stricken,

IKE

I lead Maggie through a visualization

ANGLE ON:

wedding.

Cory turns to the stands and waves.

you could write about.

Never a Bridesmaid", will be attempting

Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone.

the hill. They are all Maggies family and friends, plus the

legs.

MAGGIE

worshipfully cradling a CASSETTE TAPE in his hands.

(hangs up, then yells to Fisher)

ANGLE ON:

PEGGY

Shes very supportive of men...

ANGLE ON:

Fisher, dont forget the fortune

a dirt bike. She jumps on and turns and waves as she rides

entering into a new career.

The aisle stretches before her into infinity. Faces goggle at

make time. Lets just get there.

a Bridal Shop.

MAGGIE

BRIAN

her waving hand back down to her side and sits down. Ike

IKE

DINA NAPOLI (OF WBAL)

Really?

IKE (contd)

whos ben making my life a living hell

Ike comes down hallway as Harvey puts his shoes out to be shined.

(eyeing his loafers)

Over Ellies shoulder, Ike sees Fishers grinning face.

DENNIS

IKE

It looks like a Hawaiian high school gym on prom night.

thing, your grandpa didnt forget that

Cover me.

outside the restaurant.

part. And Ive been practicing it.

(impatient)

she ran?

in a long dress and heels. Maggie may

words, I think youre out of the

fifty-two seconds. Hello?

wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Mountaineers Do It Against the

some talking now. Pull up a railing.

Im going to walk with you.

MAGGIE (contd)

EXT./INT. STREET/BAR - LATER - DUSK

Ill have two of those delicious

Highly suspect.

way to the other side of the room.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DUSK

MAGGIE (contd)

afraid of you since you dragged that

PEGGY

FADE IN:

What did you do to her?

(undeterred)

(sitting)

Cindy the manicurist.

Mrs. Trout, go back to your seat!

Cindy, the manicurist, does Mrs. Pressmans nails. Maggie sits

Child, any sin in ones heart is...

You handle him, okay? I could use five

Maggie. Maggie.

MAN

No. I think I said something eloquent

MRS. TROUT

trampoline. We can see her tattoo. She jumps on the trampoline,

Not this one. This ones on me.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

hound in a bar?

George, Groom #3, hears about Maggies wedding.

IKE

IKE

(crosses to Gill)

are distorted, ungrounded an incomplete.

Ill have a car around the back to

Hes not a nice person.

I want you boys to take my princess on

MAGGIE

Bob will be very happy.

Youve come for your dress. Good!

PEGGY

Ellie asked me to come down to offer

Mags! Hey, look -- The tape from the

like it. Stop. You may not like

MAGGIE

FISHER

Bob gives Maggie a big hug.

This is good. It is a good story,

irreversibly screwed up. But, Maggie,

one post-it down and reads it to herself.

But hes got the Bobsters eyes.

Thank you, Dad.

(handing her the key)

(sarcastically)

MAGGIE

IKE (V.O.)

IKE (V.O.; contd)

EXT. AN IMPOSSIBLE EXPANSE OF MARYLAND FARMLAND - DAY

Cory and Maggie belly-bump and high-five each other in

Gill picks up an electric GUITAR and starts to play.

The door opens and Dennis sticks his head in.

over your eyes just so you can discover

Maggie spits her bubblegum into the bag. Peggy hands Maggie her

the devouring death goddess. In India,

going to have to carry in the Himalayas.