Holy moly.
severance pay.
satisfy my current appetite: Ike
about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on
impassive as stone.
doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.
(holding her
her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits
hasnt read this yet.
Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk
FISHER
going to be very tough on you. Its
Ellie asked me to come down to offer
MAGGIE
hound in a bar?
ELLIE
more in the back.
"Anyway, Im just dropping you big city
(walking past customer)
CUT TO:
Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.
truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I
words, I think youre out of the
to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as
IKE
EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
MRS. PRESSMAN
IKE
Yeah.
charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet
malice aforethought."
factual misrepresentations in your
MAGGIE
(no response)
INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
way to the other side of the room.
He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellies office.
ELLIE
Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone.
MR. PAXTON
No, thats what makes you unemployed.
Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the
(laughing)
In vino veritas.
Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.
INT. ELLIES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the
p99lib•netocket.
thinking us slanderous statements about
IKE
A buzz.
will be therapy bills for you.
Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors
Grahams column on a platter. Yours
IKE (contd)
Here we go! One antique hot water
joke anybodys ever played on me!
MRS. PRESSMAN
and call me when you feel Ive served
folk this little note to say that I have
MAGGIE
To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.
give her a bag to breathe in.
IKE
She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving
a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous.
As Maggies VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in
Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on
its actionable.
MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)
Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette
MRS. PRESSMAN
PEGGY
account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour
something silly like accuracy in
cast iron tub with a four-inch center
dont.
IKE
You can go in now.
And why did you say seven times? This
Lesson number two. Never work for your
pretty cranky when we see things in
made between 1924 and 1938. In other
guys in bars are good. It means
believe that a rural education is
So? I never returned your calls, even
PEGGY
Maybe she hasnt read the paper...
If you go quietly, Ill get you
of paper)
my time?
Im sorry, Ike. This is permanent.
ELLIE
ANGLE ON DESK AREA:
MRS. PRESSMAN
(pushing a piece
an INK SMEAR!!
EL九_九_藏_书_网LIE
PEGGY
(reading letter)
Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.
MAGGIE
FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.
expression on the faces of her friends.
ELLIE
MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)
Journalism lesson number one. If you
MAGGIE (V.O.)
Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA
your account.
lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little
suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her
MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)
FISHER
Bag.
I left four messages. You dont return
Maggie stays amused.
the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,
IKE
workout area and goes to her desk.
rubs her shoulders.
What?
Um, you know, now would be a good
She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.
fiction about me and call it fact?"
my calls.
Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other
MRS. PRESSMAN
"Dear Editor..."
(amazed)
She nearly kneels over.
I merely write the stuff. Youre the
moment to tell me this is fake.
what you like. We push, we stretch, we
ELAINE
(serious)
-- Its for you, Ike.
No, you tell her.
(no response)
cooked this story up and you know it.
IKE
you just need an attic fan -- Theres
PEGGY
out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and
jokes, so we didnt...
Bag.
taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN
(sitting)
we man-eate九*九*藏*书*网r could stick together."
ELLIE
(scoffs)
I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is
Whered you get this done?
MRS. PRESSMAN (contd)
Thats not nothing to do with it. You
Maggies letter.
INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT
handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.
MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)
reporting. Which is understandable,
good!
Not anymore. I have to draw the line.
sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped
handle with the "HOT" still on it,
(glances at list)
ELLIE
He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.
ELLIE
article. There are fifteen."
Since when does Ellie need moral supp--
for a sober moment.
Why?
I already made an appointment for later
today.
You dont need an air conditioner, Earl,
Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a
Why not just consider my wrist slapped
IKE
ELLIE
Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.
She sent us this list. Our lawyers say
newspaper)
Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...
article about Maggie.
moral support.
paint machine.
It wont be funny if you drag it out.
IKE
theyre not driving.
Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere
CUT TO:
Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,
Ill put in a good word for you.
source.
down, standing)
See? You want custody of my job? ...
We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware
We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio i九九藏书s on. She
in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of
IKE
Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers
go out on a limo. Thats what makes me
the loose, who has time to check facts?"
Fully. I like her. She has wit.
No.
Maggie.
What?
thought of a ritual sacrifice that would
surprised, but hes pleased.
Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.
when we were married. And whats
EARL
"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy
MAGGIE (contd)
because with a "man-eater" like me on
how I dump men for kicks to bother with
"Thats why I was surprised to find Mr.
is four.
IKE
... Or not!
its the rudest and most offensive...
columnists are supposed to do. This is
PEGGY
INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS
ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes
have inclosed a list of the gross
(to Elaine)
guaranteed to fit any American Standard
MRS. PRESSMAN
tractor maintenance rather than reading.
You guys! How long did this take you?
Why else would you print a piece of
TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They
Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging
Hallelujah.
focused mainly on hog calling and
He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks
I didnt cook up a story. I had a
"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you
I九九藏书ke sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.
ELAINE
we deliberately abandon fiances with
IKE
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS
MAGGIE (contd)
No, no, dont mention my name in there.
He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a
You know, its just possible that she
Besides, Im a columnist. This is what
No, no. Youre her best friend.
Ellie hands Ike Maggies list.
(putting the list
Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say
You creeps! I should disinvite you!
ELLIE (V.O.; contd)
(chuckles as he sits)
Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the
former spouse.
print that hurt our feelings, like that
Lawyers.
Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze-
going to be hard to get over. There
MAGGIE (contd)
one that serves it up.
"Still, we cannibalistic queens can get
MAGGIE
You tell Maggie.
(delicate)
MAGGIE (contd)
Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his
Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him
(bright)
dubiously, at the paper.
Okay?
(shrugs)
So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh?
Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his
secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile.
fabricate your facts, you get fired.
Fisher doing here anyway?
ELLIE
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.
nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads
INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS